(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

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Michelle Pfeiffer

Michelle Marie Pfeiffer (; born April 29, 1958) is an American actress and producer. One of the most popular actresses of the 1980s and 1990s, she has received international acclaim and many accolades for her work in both comedic and dramatic films. Noted for her versatility as a character actress, Pfeiffer has become particularly known for portraying nuanced and unglamorous, emotionally distant women as well as strong female characters with intense sex appeal. Pfeiffer is widely considered to be among the most talented actresses of her generation. Pfeiffer began to pursue an acting career in 1978. After accepting several minor roles in television series and films, her first leading role was in the musical film Grease 2 (1982), the sequel to the popular 1978 … more »

Year:

2007

4:07

22 Views

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Oh my God, how times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Those poor runner-ups 
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance

'Cause I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high C's
And preparing souffles
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Proceed

Are you scared we're on live?

No, I'm sure I can cope

Well, this show isn't broadcast in 

Cinemascope

I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

How many sweaters do you own?

Well, I'm sure I've got plenty
Let's see, I have three, five
Wait, I have twenty

I would say "Oy Gevalt"
If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

A tycoon I wed
So cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So I bought this station

So all of the nation
Could see

Baby amber and me

Do you dance like you dress?

Amber, there's no need to be cruel

Would you swim in an integrated pool?

I sure would, I'm all for integration, 
It's the new frontier

Not in Baltimore it isn't
And may I be frank

First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in

So we're kicking you out

You can't get past me kid
But it isn't your fault

It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore

Crabs

You may go

Um, thank you?

Gee Tracy, that went well

(Lil' Inez runs on)

Hello, ma'am, may I please
Audition?

No, but you can bow and exalt
'Cause I was "Miss Baltimore

Crabs, crabs, crabs

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