Return From Depression

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The Real Aminah

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Who am i?
A twenty seven year old African American female Who likes to
Write in her own spare time
No... who am i?
Hi my name is Khanesha and its nice To meet
NO... Who am i?
A confused soul roaming this earth With a ticking time bomb on her back
And I'm the one who holds the match
There we go
I am the patient that keeps coming Back with the same symptoms
And the only thing that they can Prescribe is a prayer
They never noticed the times I used a Bottle to conceal my thoughts
They thought I was just having fun
They would ask me
What do you have to be depressed About?
Depression is not a lack of
It is a disease that disturbs the soul

A voice
A voice that fights my inner voice and
Sometimes it wins
They sit in my head competing
Who could be the loudest?
My voices are like
Ying and yang
Push and pull
In and out
They go hand and hand like double Dutch
I'm not a burden
I am a burden
Nobody wants you hear
They do want you hear
Its time to end it now
And if I were to die by the hands of Mine
They would say she always looked so Happy she seemed fine
The only thing that separates me from death
Is the squeeze of a trigger

And the same tongues that drove me to Pull the trigger
Will be the same tongues that mutter Under their breath how could she be so Selfish
Or say I never expected her to do Something like this
They will repost my photos with Hashtag mental health matters
And check on your strong friends
They will visit my grave with tears that Look like sorrow but reek of guilt
Because you left me to fend for myself
Take a step into my world
Where my mind is unable to process Whats real and whats an illusion
This life is an illusion
It was never for people like me
I've been holding onto my life as if it was burning coal
75 mg to convince myself the thoughts Are not real
Only to put my thoughts on pause

Have you ever felt like it was time to Go
Time to journey on the other side
Who am I?
I don't know who I am
Calling anyone who will listen because I'm scared to be alone in my thoughts
Because those thoughts sound like Voices and the voices get
LOUDER AND LOUDER AND LOUDER
And now my hands are trynna stop me but this feels like the right thing to do
I am the referee in my life and my Hands and voices are fighting with Each other
And I know its time to call a sudden Death but to be honest i want the voice
TO WIN
I'm telling you this story to tell you this
Death will find me
And before it does
I want you to know this

There have always been times where i Felt spiritually tuned in with the earth
Times where I was unaware with how To accept it
I've always held back my true feelings For people
Or things to fit in
I never need to fit in
I will freely roam this earth
Being the person I was meant to be
For however long I have left
I will dance in the sand
Cry near the water
I will love every part of me with every Being inside of me
I will walk past the mirror and smile
I will walk past the mirror and laugh and sing
I will accept whats for me will never Miss me
And whats not for me will never be For me
I will worship God the way I know

I will love my family and friends Unconditionally
I will put trust in myself and love Myself
I will appreciate my hair long or short
And love my body skinny or fat
I will feed my brain with knowledge
And ignore the negative thoughts that Try to consume me
I will acknowledge my faults
And love my wins
This is me
This is who I'm supposed to be
I'm free
I'm free
Now ladies and gentlemen
Welcome to Ferry Wait

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