Too Long Years

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Viaska

13:15

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It was 8 years of age when I wished for a life long of death
An abandonment of wishful incitement thinking
Institution of bereavement and laughter came from unsuspecting upfall
And where I sit and wish that they weren't right

For 6 long years did my life see no better
To be beaten and battered and left to linger in thought
To wake to her screams every sunrise came through
Blood curls, fist hurls, I lull in my dirt
To abandon what pity that came to my hell

I learned to disassociate my thoughts into a hollowed out earth
To leave all my thoughts to behind a bricked up cell
And found what came from this inevitable quell
I seeked past my peers and found to be in solace

For twelve long years after my ineptitude lent
A dark tide fear and a mothers descent
Upon my fathers shouts in dismal display
To fray inside was bad to go out was worse
To seek love and compassion was too far and too much

My fears came from that loss of abandon
To which my friends had seeked a tidier discreet
Beseech my fears gone hallowed the wind
And lost in a sea amongst all of my wares

Two years too late I moved out to worlds unknown
And thought to sort in this new great white north
To find what sort to find me and me alone out here
But lost was I and lost I'll be

Not much was changed except what was abandoned drew near
I had nothing to give and nothing to take
I loved all the same and lost what I had feared
And returned with nothing but my name for keepsake

Two years and too late and I found what's much worse
To be brown and not cis in a white cis world
I learned that I found my gender to be far greater a pain
Who am I if I cannot speak for myself
Who are you if you can't imagine the thought
Of a dying lost child that's bricked up against the walls
And where you lie to the world unknown

It arrived soon after that my challenge got worse
Where I got singed by the prick of a stranger's dismay
He shoved me to dirt and lied his feet on grounds
And forced me to submit my ever precious
I lay

I remember screaming I want my mum and my dad
Where police had not found me a respectful resort
But what they had found was the pictures and clips
But denied me well enforces to acquit ones hell

So hell was what came not to him but to me
So I stay in my cell
And not wish for much more
I never hated the pain just hated myself
What could be more from the depth of the dirt
To be seen as an object for crying one's eye
To be forced to abandon the person I am
The person I was
The person I never knew
A person that won't be

Two years had passed since that frightful night
And yet my life had led on like a cyclical path
What I lost in my friends was nothing more than the same
What adventures I had all ended the same

My life goes on
But my days won't end
Not the pain of a murder but the pain of the same
The same world of boredom and solemn, afraid
Afraid of what's known known all but myself
That the life of another is more important than me
More important than you
But less important for me

And now we reside by the realism of hate
The realistic fruition of what conclusive works show
A showing of nothing that changes the day
That sun will still rise but my heart's just the same

Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts
Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts
Be not known of the great depths of my life
Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you
A loss of your power and the hell I bring
A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim
I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind
I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring
I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths
I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse
An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life
To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse
Don't believe when I'm happy, because I've never found love
Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world
I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer
I don't want to be happy, because I'm stuck being sad
I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world
I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world
Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind
A cyclical game I find to be all but the same
I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult
Where my child and my mind are all but the same
So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind
A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze
Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit
A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do
I'll deny all my friends, and loves in my life
I'll deny my request to look for the change
I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be
I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way
Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song
My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost
To my sister I hope you founded some peace
To leave and let die is a worse off thought
My friends, I am sorry, that you got to know me
I thought I was stronger but what I realise I'm weak
Too weak for this world but too strong in mind
Too strong to rebel against what could've been
My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance
Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know

Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts
Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts
Be not known of the great depths of my life
Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you
A loss of your power and the hell I bring
A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim
I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind
I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring
I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths
I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse
An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life
To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse
Don't believe when I'm happy because I've never found love
Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world
I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer
I don't want to have fear or worse I was always used to that
I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world
I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world
Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind
A cyclical game I find to be all but the same
I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult
Where my child and my mind are all but the same
So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind
A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze
Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit
A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do
I'll deny all my friends, my loves in my life
I'll deny my request to look for the change
I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be
I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way
Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song
My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost
To my sister I hope you find in some peace
To leave and let die is a worse off a thought
My friends I am sorry that you got to know me
I thought I was stronger but what I always am weak
Too weak for this world but too strong in mind
Too strong to rebel against what could've been
My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance
Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know

I'm not happy of this ending but I'll be happy when dead
I'll find comfort in me when I comfort in depths
But I know that I'm weak, far weaker than woes
I'll find death too frightful and so I'll abandon my plan
And lo, I'll just sit and never will be
Be who I can be and what I wanted to be
I've lost what thought what's good and what I would like to have been
But no, there's help, but no, I refuse to be free
A free of the hell
What a wishful thought path
Of cowardice endeavours

I'm stuck in the mind
Stuck in this world
Forever and I
I'm banished till death
A death I not choose

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