Too Long Years

It was 8 years of age when I wished for a life long of death An abandonment of wishful incitement thinking Institution of bereavement and laughter came from unsuspecting upfall And where I sit and wish that they weren't right For 6 long years did my life see no better To be beaten and battered and left to linger in thought To wake to her screams every sunrise came through Blood curls, fist hurls, I lull in my dirt To abandon what pity that came to my hell I learned to disassociate my thoughts into a hollowed out earth To leave all my thoughts to behind a bricked up cell And found what came from this inevitable quell I seeked past my peers and found to be in solace For twelve long years after my ineptitude lent A dark tide fear and a mothers descent Upon my fathers shouts in dismal display To fray inside was bad to go out was worse To seek love and compassion was too far and too much My fears came from that loss of abandon To which my friends had seeked a tidier discreet Beseech my fears gone hallowed the wind And lost in a sea amongst all of my wares Two years too late I moved out to worlds unknown And thought to sort in this new great white north To find what sort to find me and me alone out here But lost was I and lost I'll be Not much was changed except what was abandoned drew near I had nothing to give and nothing to take I loved all the same and lost what I had feared And returned with nothing but my name for keepsake Two years and too late and I found what's much worse To be brown and not cis in a white cis world I learned that I found my gender to be far greater a pain Who am I if I cannot speak for myself Who are you if you can't imagine the thought Of a dying lost child that's bricked up against the walls And where you lie to the world unknown It arrived soon after that my challenge got worse Where I got singed by the prick of a stranger's dismay He shoved me to dirt and lied his feet on grounds And forced me to submit my ever precious I lay I remember screaming I want my mum and my dad Where police had not found me a respectful resort But what they had found was the pictures and clips But denied me well enforces to acquit ones hell So hell was what came not to him but to me So I stay in my cell And not wish for much more I never hated the pain just hated myself What could be more from the depth of the dirt To be seen as an object for crying one's eye To be forced to abandon the person I am The person I was The person I never knew A person that won't be Two years had passed since that frightful night And yet my life had led on like a cyclical path What I lost in my friends was nothing more than the same What adventures I had all ended the same My life goes on But my days won't end Not the pain of a murder but the pain of the same The same world of boredom and solemn, afraid Afraid of what's known known all but myself That the life of another is more important than me More important than you But less important for me And now we reside by the realism of hate The realistic fruition of what conclusive works show A showing of nothing that changes the day That sun will still rise but my heart's just the same Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts Be not known of the great depths of my life Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you A loss of your power and the hell I bring A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse Don't believe when I'm happy, because I've never found love Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer I don't want to be happy, because I'm stuck being sad I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind A cyclical game I find to be all but the same I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult Where my child and my mind are all but the same So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do I'll deny all my friends, and loves in my life I'll deny my request to look for the change I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost To my sister I hope you founded some peace To leave and let die is a worse off thought My friends, I am sorry, that you got to know me I thought I was stronger but what I realise I'm weak Too weak for this world but too strong in mind Too strong to rebel against what could've been My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know Another day left abandoned by my inner lost thoughts Another way to speak lies from my intrusive cohorts Be not known of the great depths of my life Be not I but the thought of what I may lose for you A loss of your power and the hell I bring A platter of shards and built bricks are my aim I don't like to invest I'd rather infect your dear mind I'd rather choose to beseech what joys you'd might bring I don't look for the hope I just seek the dark depths I just seek the truth of a dismal abuse An abuse of the mind is an abuse on your life To know me is loathe and what I say is much worse Don't believe when I'm happy because I've never found love Don't look to rejoice in pleasant known world I'll burn all your bridges if you look for the cheer I don't want to have fear or worse I was always used to that I choose to be villain to this pleasant drab world I choose to be stuck in this precious lost world Lost in the pages of a cyclical mind A cyclical game I find to be all but the same I'm a terrible child and a worse off adult Where my child and my mind are all but the same So I choose to beseech into a decline of the mind A body that's made up of ciggerates and booze Until it shuts off and I'm forced to commit A heavy incitement but wait, I know what to do I'll deny all my friends, my loves in my life I'll deny my request to look for the change I'll deny all your tears and be the worst I'll be I'll inject it much harder and be glad its my way Frank S you're the cusp to the ending piece song My dad I am sorry, and to mum I lost To my sister I hope you find in some peace To leave and let die is a worse off a thought My friends I am sorry that you got to know me I thought I was stronger but what I always am weak Too weak for this world but too strong in mind Too strong to rebel against what could've been My loves I am sorry that I gave you a chance Because now you'll have known instead who you wanted to know I'm not happy of this ending but I'll be happy when dead I'll find comfort in me when I comfort in depths But I know that I'm weak, far weaker than woes I'll find death too frightful and so I'll abandon my plan And lo, I'll just sit and never will be Be who I can be and what I wanted to be I've lost what thought what's good and what I would like to have been But no, there's help, but no, I refuse to be free A free of the hell What a wishful thought path Of cowardice endeavours I'm stuck in the mind Stuck in this world Forever and I I'm banished till death A death I not choose