Me Too

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Jaha Zainabu

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Me too

And so what of joy
What of food
What of the taco truck on LaBrea on Venice
Because cheese is important too
A man I thought I could have grown to love
Chose crack over me
I know it was not about me
I was hurt anyway
Had to steal back my Impala
From the Snooty Fox
Back of my t-shirt
Bloody from the abortion
And so what of ugly
Of my ugly
Ugly versions of myself
I have been to other people
Ways I have bullied
Have abused
Have pawned the unhealed parts of myself onto him

Too many hims to mention
The random hims
The ones that came and went
Too many went
I went too
And what do I tell my son
Of all of my going
About the night I tried to leave forever
Told myself that he would be better off
The voices all agreed
It took me nine months to apologize
I tried to explain to him
The heavy of my sadness that night
On so many nights before
He told me honest as he could
Said it was ok
Said he understood
I hope he never understands

Ain't I a whole person
Ain't my whole life important too
Is my life just the sum of my mistakes
But what of my beauty
My dedication
My loyalty
And the priceless friends I have
What of that
What of all the ways that I am othered
All the ways I like myself
In the face of all the othering
What about my big love for me
For the ways I touch
Touch you
Touch myself too
Don't I deserve my own touch
And what about pleasure
And what is the distinction
Between pleasure and joy
Ain't I worthy of joy and smile

What of the song of myself
What I see when I look into a mirror
The battlefield of emotions
Going on inside my head
Brother called me his wisdom
Told me to call him God
But what about me
And the I am who lives inside
Can a woman be a God too
Can a man run my bath
What of the ways I weigh
What you think of me
Over how I value myself
My good time
My girlish grin
My unpainted toes
Even the anxiety
Even the depression
Even the moods
Many as they be

What of all the days I cancel the brunch
Decide against the shower
And the laundry
And the dishes too
All the ways I choose
Not to contort myself
Shrink my skin and bones
To fit into your flask
Like a secret in your pocket
And what of this new day
When my no is holy
When my yes is freedom
This a whole sweet life ain't it
A whole canvas
I paint myself

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