My Namesake

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Dan Merritt

2:26

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My namesake
A quiet intelligence
Thoughtfulness
Legs crossed
How should I feel
I don't know
What I'm supposed to say
An excuse to buy cigarettes
I missed my chance to talk to him
He stopped speaking weeks ago
I ignored the reminders I set
I can't text mirth karate emojis
Is it ok to be writing this down
Would it be ok to share this
Would it be exploitation or a eulogy
Peter wore bright blue cleats
So Danny could see him from his wheelchair on the sideline
Rolling through the mud
It's horrifying how much a day matters
I could've said I could've I could've I should've I would've
Now I'm sitting in the park

New sunglasses make everything blue
Like a fake blue like a computer generated hue
There's a real cool breeze
There's some cars occasionally passing
My toes are cold
The evergreen bushes and the power transformers are friendly monsters
The twinkling leaves are cruelly indifferent
The girls sunbathing and blissfully ignorant
The homeless guy sleeping, back against a tree, knows pain
The smell of the Southern Cut brings me right back to listening to rough mixes on my Porch last Spring when it was still nippy and the sun set early
Someone drew a blue face on the tree
Head cloudy I stub out and fold my hands and close my eyes and say
God give me strength
God let me know how much each day counts
God let me know how important are the people in my life

Paralyzed from the waist down at 50
Brain cancer at 60
A slap in the face
From who, dad?
Mom says he showed us how to have fulfillment in the face of such adversity He loved His Family and they all turned out so well
I would be proud
Liam built him a grabber for Father's Day
A wood plank with a groove cut in
So he could open the grill from his wheelchair
He would cross his legs, like a girl
Like me
Or more me like him
When I was small mom said you look just like Danny - he crosses his legs just like that
In the years after the accident I would see him pick up his right leg and lay it over the left
Even numb the position was comforting

The hobo woke up and stumbled away
The girls packed up their towel
Now it's just me and a crow
Crowing away at the wind
Hidden somewhere in a tree

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