F-I-N-E

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C. S. Phoenix

2:16

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I imagine going through pictures
And coming across any of those ones
We're I look
F-I-N-E
Fine
And getting that motivational speech
That always seems to follow
With dedication and willpower
You could look like that again

I try to hold it together
Take the comments in stride
Remember
They don't know any better
They say
You could be like that again

I don't want to be like that again
What am I 20 in that picture
That means I've been starving myself for 10 years
I've been addicted to diet pills for 5
I often think about taking a knife to my own flesh
And just cutting all the excess off
I don't remember what it was like to enjoy a meal
But I was skinny

I want to be able to look at myself in mirror
Without finding every imperfection
Without buying clothes
And never having the confidence to put them on
I want to look at food as delicious sustenance
Not caloric intake
I want to enjoy being naked in front of a lover
Being intertwined
Without wondering if I fold too much in places that I don't deem perfect

I know I could lose weight and look like that again
For f*ck's sake
I've done it three times in the last year
Never on purpose
Each time
Desperately trying to hold on to my health
Each time
Watching it slip through my fingers
As if I didn't have a choice
And as I slipped away
Into smaller pants sizes
People became so vocal
Wow, you look great

Help me
I scream
I haven't eaten in days
I'm so hungry
But if I eat, I get nauseous
I'm dropping pounds by the day
I need support
I need guidance
I need someone to listen

That's nice, honey.
Keep up the good work

Nobody cares
Because I'm skinny again
And skinny is all
Anyone wants me to be

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