Punishing Myself

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C. S. Phoenix

3:12

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I wasn't always efficient at hurting myself
It took years to learn what tools worked best and for what purpose
It started with eraser burns
In the fifth grade
I wanted to know if I could erase myself from existence
Instead, I learned that pain offered an escape
And to escape was what I needed

My favorite tools were pop tabs
I would MacGyver that shit into a tiny blade that I could carry in the pocket of my jeans
So, if I ever needed relief
At school or at home
Like MacGyver, I was ready

By my bedside I kept a collection of broken glass
Shards that I found lying in the street
Someone else's bad habit to feed my own
Each piece of glass felt a little different when it cut
And each one left a slightly different scar

Then there were the needles that I dug into my flesh
By moonlight or lamp light
Testing how much pain I could endure
By pushing a sewing needle through whatever parts of me I could grab
Serves me right for having so much to pinch

Taking those same needles
Adding a flame
And branding myself
Or stealing lighters from my older brother
To just burn me like the (B)witch I am

When you play with fire
You have to play with ice
So, I poured salt on my body and held an ice cube against it
Until it sizzled through my skin
Chemical burns
To satisfy the nerd in me

At some point I stole steak knives from the kitchen
They didn't slice through my skin easily
But their serrated blade left a rough, raw edge that hurt a little more
And healed a little slower

It's ironic
I got caught because I had a friend care enough about me to turn me in
To hand me over to the people who care about me
You lectured me about how I was embarrassing you
That people would think you were bad parents if they found out
You told me to turn over everything to you
I turned in all my tools
You promptly returned the knives to the kitchen and the rest in the trash
To this day, you still cut your steak with knives I used to cut my flesh
But that really shouldn't surprise me
You like those steak knives much more than you ever liked me

You met me halfway through my journey
Never knowing
Or caring
What your daughter did to survive you
I mutilated myself for four more years without you noticing
I applied to college far away from you
The day I realized I could escape
For real
Is the day I convinced myself
I can be stronger than you
And to do that
I needed to stop punishing myself

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