world wide web

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Alex Spears

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I was raised by the internet because
By age twelve I had only ever made two real friends
Seven states apart, a thousand miles between
My dad would say to me
"Son you're a candle
That's burning at both ends"
The ugly kid that I saw in the mirror
Never reflected back in computer screens
So I could be who I wanted to be
Without the fear of being seen
I was raised on the world wide web, I felt alone
Enough to tell men that I never met I loved them
I was just a kid
And it never seemed fair
That I didn't get to see
My parents in a happy marriage
While my sister, though I love her
Had her father and her mother
When they were good partners for each other
The lonely boy that I saw in the mirror
Never remembered any of his dreams
It's hard to focus on your future when
Adolescent hope dangles by a string
Pathetic boy in the mirror still lives on and he
Has big, sad eyes that paralyze me
In disbelief that through the tears and years
We're still not who he wanted us to be
I'm truly sorry to the ones who remember
All the times I said I'd be your friend forever
Don't know why I had to do it in a way that was cruel
Wanted to be a stranger to the insecure teenager that you knew
I ripped you out like you were an infected tooth, thought
The pain subsided, the whole time I was avoiding the root
I still don't know if I've accepted the truth
That i'll never retrieve my stolen youth
The ugly boy that I saw in the mirror
Wept in reflections on my iPhone screen
Dropped it from the highest of mountains
So it shattered and I could be free
The man I see today in the mirror
Owes a lot of people and himself an apology
Projected lots of things on others to make me happy
But it never filled the void within me
Within me, within me
A mosaic of all of my past identities
I thought each new rebirth would patch up the holes
But I was still left empty
I was a rock in the river of my family
Was skipped across and I submerged downstream
Had to be a grown man
Long before I turned eighteen

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