Luckiest Man Alive

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Jacob Yancho

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I've had luck all through my life
It's all been bad
I'm a man with some bad luck
Always had bad luck
Never had a stroke of good luck in my life
In fact, I'm the unluckiest man in the world

In fact, just the other day I went out to eat, ordered a chicken
They brought it to me a little undercooked
It flew right off my plate
Yessir, I've been wined, dined and fined all about it
I've been cried to, lied to and taken for a ride
I've been flagpoled, manholed, sliced, diced and sacrificed

The Lord said come forth and you will receive eternal life
But I came fifth, and I got a toaster
Yes, I've been sandbagged, manhandled, panhandled
Been hijacked, ransacked, been busted by the ones I trusted
Oh boy I'm telling ya, you wouldn't believe my luck
I've got the measles, mumps, malaria, meningitis, monkey pox, and rubella
And I had the shots for all six of 'em

Went fishin' by the creek, threw my pole out there for awhile
Didn't catch nothin' but a rubber boot, a tin can, a tire and a book of cliches
I didn't catch a wiggle for forty days and forty nights
On the forty first, I's packin' up when I catch me a big ol' bull shark
Land shark
Reeled him in and he jumps out of the water, hops and hits the ground a'runnin'
His mouth a'waterin', his teeth a'chompin', his eyes a'buggin', me a'flyin'

Other day, I met a leprechaun
Turned out it was just a short man with a beard
He was Irish
But he didn't have no gold an' he wasn't too friendly neither
Actually he robbed me of the only dollar I had
Bad, bad luck

Last Friday, the 13th of the month, I was planning for a picnic
As I was gettin' ready, it started to rain
I figured I'd have one anyway
Opened up my umbrella before I went outside
Bolt of lightning came right through the ceiling, struck me hard
Shocked me from my head down to my toes

Then as I's walkin' to my picnic hill, I threw a rock in the wind
Musta been a boomerang cause it came right back and knocked me out cold
Passed a flock of ravens, thirteen black cats and a coyote on the way
Each one stealing a little bit of food from me
I got to the hill for my picnic and I didn't have any food
Just a little shaker of salt
It tipped over and spilled everywhere

Bad luck follows me all around
Why, I was gettin' ready for a date the other day
Looked in the mirror, I thought I was lookin' sharp
Guess a little too sharp
The mirror broke
Cracked and shattered

Went on my way walkin' down the street to meet my date
When a shiny penny catches my eye
I went to pick up the penny, I heard something above me
Look up and sure enough it's a bank safe
An' I went splat
Got up, brushed myself off
Kept on goin'

I slipped on a banana peel an' I went wheelin' down the street
Went sliding under a ladder, there was a painter up there
Dropped his can of red paint on my head
Splashed me with red all over
A great big bull was passin' by, caught eye of me
And came chargin' at me full steam ahead
Gore'd me into next Tuesday

Well, I figured out my father died and the very same day I learned I have a twin
Turns out, in his will, he left all his belongings to him
He's something else lemme tell ya
First day I spent with my twin
He found eleven horseshoes
Fifteen rabbit's foots
A hundred lucky pennies
Had seven ladybugs land on his nose
Won nine million dollars at the casino
Found a four leaf clover in his salad
And saw a shooting star in the middle of the day with his address on it

No, I sure don't have good luck
But you know the funny thing about luck
It doesn't work so well when you're dead
I learned that when I saw that shooting star of my brother's
Come land on his head

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