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Nikki Gray

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According to many
I will never know love
Never truly experience
Its presence in my life
Not by romantic, platonic
Or familial means
Because I do not
Love myself
I’ve spent years
Wishing, praying, hoping
I could be different
Could change how I feel
About not just the girl
In the mirror
But the body she inhabits
The mind I find lacking
Or the beauty that escapes us
When self-reflecting
I can say I’m ok
I’m decent
Palatable
But I envy those
Who flaunt confidence
Like million-dollar suits
Who’s aura drips self-love
Like radiant cut diamonds
I have heard too many times
Nobody will love you
Until you love
Yourself first
Words meant to encourage
Self-love and self-care
But not every ear
That hears those words
Will hear the same thing
My ears echo back
Unlovable / unworthy
Nobody will ever love you
A statement that hangs
Love like a carrot
Just out of reach
All reward in one hand
And punishment in the other
When love of self
Is not achieved
The first time
I experienced love
I dared not call it such
For fear that it would realize
I was undeserving
Of such forbidden fruit
But it did not leave
Instead love mended
Wounds left neglected
Reminded me
My worth was inherent
Whether I could see that or not
Love did not judge
Did not abandon me
When I hear it said
Love is only accessible
To those who love
Themselves first
I can say
I have known love that bubble
Wraps me in hugs
For when self-hate
Has left me shattered
And my broken edges
Attempt to shred
Any hope of putting
My self-worth
Back together again
My love of self
Is still lacking
But love has taught me
If receiving it was conditional
It would not be love
I have known love
And know love
Despite not always loving myself

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