19 Years of Thinking

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M Chi

3:36

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Winter wind put redness on my nose tip
Lost my self in the snow I just didn't notice
My thoughts echoed in my head until my mindset Imploded
Blank slate and I watched my experiences remold it

You and me don't exist because I've sacrificed my separateness
But i still rap to reaffirm my delusion of specialness

But wanna me the best mc
Rapping just makes me feel like me

And I wish I didn't rap and I could sit in silence
I know my truth but have trouble to internalize it
Normal thoughts to myself are a internal crisis
And now my own mind I don't even identify with

Every thought structure is self consuming
When your obsessed how it's self consuming

This is the best my mental health has ever been
Is my depression some form of spiritual atonement
Cuz all the gurus say you need to lose your sense of self
But my hole life my mind has been doing that to its self

And then I doubt myself and tell myself that this is crazy
And it reinforces the thought cycle that I'm explaining

And this bifurcating pattern is the same in all of creation
Human history graphs in triangle formations

Now I feel obligated to bring my thoughts back and share them with you
But that directly contradicts the stillness that I know to be true

What do I do
Cuz my mind split in 2

Is it a invisible landscape or a land of advanced faith
Trying to hold on but how much can my hands take
19 Years of thinking trapped me stagnant in this void space
Time to step into my shadow And I cannot be afraid

So I just sit and wait
So I just sit and wait

So I just sit and wait
For eternal bliss
And replay this song when I forget life is impermanent
I made this song trying to print my mind in material
I guess this is a lesson I'm still learning bit by bit

My mind is a maze of spiritual cliches
Memory keepsakes
And rap lyrics for days

It's time for my embrace
This is the first song I ever made that I feel is truly by Nate

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