The Other Educated Monkey

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Ivor Biggun

Robert "Doc" Cox (born 1 July 1946), also known as Ivor Biggun, is a British musician and former television journalist. He is known for his appearances on the BBC TV programme That's Life! from 1982 to 1992 and for four albums of humorous, smutty songs. Currently resident in Suffolk, he is active in several pub bands, including the Trembling Wheelbarrows. more »

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My mother likes family reunions
Last Wednesday my sister came calling
With her husband Keith who's all kneecaps and teeth
And little Billy who's simply appalling

He's about as much fun as cystitis
He's a fouth-mouthed vindictive young skiver
But Mum said "Listen you, take the child to the zoo"
And young Billy said "Thanks Uncle Ivor"

Well three Mars bars later we got to the bus
He had four sausage rolls on the train
And a cornet or two then he spewed in the queue for the zoo and was hungry again

So I showed him the llamas, the seals and iguanas
The ocelot, wombat and stoat
With a nose full of finger he seemed reluctant to linger
And he weren't interested in 'owt

I said "Oh what a drag you are
Come and look at the jaguar
And the panda, it seems almost human"
He said "It's no small surprise, 
the black rings round its eyes make it look a bit like Gary Numan"

Well I remembered the story of Albert
Who was ate by a lion it's told
So I left little William by the tigers' pavilion
And round to the monkeys I strolled

There was one great big monkey who sat by himself
I mused is he chimp or gorilla?
He basked in the sun as he munched on a bun
And was reading the Daily Mirror

I looked at the monkey and he looked at me
There were nobody there but us two
I winked and he winked
And I waved and he waved
And he looked and he said "I know you"

"You're that fella who plays ukulele
And follows a wanker's career
My friends the baboons know all of your tunes
We've got all your records in here"

I said "Hang on a minute, here's a cage and you're in it, and you're talking"
And the monkey said "Aye"
"How on earth can you do it?"
He said "Son there's nowt to it, but I don't do it much 'cos’ I'm shy"

I said "Eee by heck, does the keeper know that you can talk?"
He said "Nay and there’s one thing for sure
he's not going to neither 'cos’ he'd just take a breather and leave me to do the guided tour"

"But a monkey who talks is fantastic", said I
"Let me tell the whole world right away 
You could be a celebrity .. and meet Russell Harty. You'd be famous"
But the monkey said "Nay"

"I've seen quite sufficient of that there outside world on a TV the keeper installed 
And you can stick your urban culture up the oviduct of a vulture
'Cos’ I don't think much to it at all"

"Mind you .. I never thought much to the jungle as such 
Dark and steamy and pissing wet through
So one day I thought I've had enough, I’ll write to David Attenborough 
And I finished up here in the zoo"

"I've got six wives, a warm cage, free dinners, the papers
I'm happy and safe from the hunters
And it really is grand to crap in your hand 
And fling it through the bars at the punters"

"I eat when I’m hungry, I drink when I’m dry 
Pull my pudding when I feel inclined
It's a real gravy train, but I can’t say the same
For the world that you buggers designed"

"Injustice, corruption, pollution, Max Bygraves 
Intolerance and capitalist enslavlerment
Downing Street’s barmy residents and B-movie presidents 
And poodle crap all over the pavements"

"Jehovah's sodding witnesses banging on doors
Jack mopeds that sound like a Stuka
And Australians who wander around pissed and chunder 
On the table when you're trying to play snooker."

"Jumped up hi-fi salesmen who call you Sir, when what they mean really is twat
Kids who crayon on cars, I can piss through the bars on the whole bloody miserable lot"

"The unspeakable horror of a family Christmas
Incidents down at the Palais when a 7-foot tall skinhead comes up to you and says
"Here, four-eyes, have you been staring at my girlfriend?"
You say "No, of course not"
He says "So, you prat, you think there is something wrong with her do you?"
And you end up with a mouthful of fist

"Far away from the rabble, we sit and play scrabble, or cribbage, or Cluedo, or whist
We do amateur Gilbert and Sullivan, a philosophical discussion or two
I might put up my feet and idly complete the crossword the keeper can't do"

Of course during the day, we put on a show for the public, you know wanking and defaecation 
But when they've all pissed off home, we're left on our own for an evening of fun and recreation"

"We do pottery, Kung-Fu, darts and yoga. Charabanc trips on holidays and high days 
Or we go round in gangs to the orang-utans because it's wife-swapping Wednesdays and Fridays"

And then he looked past me and he swivelled his eyes and whispered "Eh up, don’t say 'owt". 
For coming in view was my little nephew and I went and shook him warmly by the throat 
"Look at that funny monkey" said William
"Weren't the lions hungry?" I replied and gripping his mitt which was covered with... jam
I lead the young hooligan outside

Now it could have been my imagination because it had been a long afternoon 
But did I hear a voice say, as we wandered away "Ta'ra lad then, see thee soon" 

Now all the way back I was thinking. When I got home I'd made up my mind
Life's a pain in the dong and I'm sure I don't belong in a world that I never designed

So I'm buying a fur suit and a ladder and I'm certain for once and for all 
I'm leaving behind this world's weary grind and I'm hopping in over the wall

So the next time that you pay a visit to your relatives down in the zoo
Look around carefully and you'll probably see one or two of them looking at you
And you might even find that there's two special monkeys and who knows it happen could be
That the one of them reading the Mirror is him and the one reading Penthouse is me

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