Weight on Me

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Hollow River

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You want more
I said before
That you can't trust me
I'm a prima donna
It's no nirvana
The reality I see
You want more
I said before
If you think I'll be cured
I'll let you down
Don't you put that weight on me

"Call me anytime- no matter what 
When you are down and need someone to talk to I will be there" 
Said with so much sincerity I almost believed them 
I wish I could be one of the people 
Blindly offering my help to those in need 
But I don't think I have it in me 
Because the other day I saw a homeless man 
Walking down Boylston in front of the bookstore screaming 
"I'm going to kill myself if someone doesn't talk to me," 
And I pretended my headphones were still playing music 
That stopped 
Five minutes before 
And went into buy a coffee I didn't need or want 
Instead of buying the man some bread and giving some time 
But time wasn't a thing I had that day
 Enough for coffee, not attention
I see a lot of the same homeless people around campus 
But I've never seen him again 
And I wonder 
If I had valued his life 
More than my time 
Would he still be around 
To at least ask me for a dollar

You want more
I said before
That you can't trust me
I'm a prima donna
It's no nirvana
The reality I see
You want more
I said before
If you think I'll be cured
I'll let you down
Don't you put that weight on me

I'm so G-d damn tired of these 
G-d damn idiots on 
G-d damn Facebook who would rather post 
Memes from The Mighty 
Than pick up the phone and call one of their friends 
Who is actually suffering
And this bullshit post that says
"I would never commit suicide because it just passes on the pain the friends and family," 
Which would be perfectly acceptable except 
Ninety percent of the people posting this  
Aren't suffering at all 
And are just using this post 
To make themselves feel better about 
Not being there for someone 
Or not having the opportunity to be there for someone ever again
How about instead of guilting me 
Into accommodating 
Your feelings during 
My breakdown
Acknowledge the fact that in this persons eyes 
They are doing the most selfless thing they can do
It's a lie 
Their brain is not working
But in the moment it honestly seems like a good idea and that's the scariest part
The moment feels apart from time 
You feel like you are never going to escape
You think is this life now 
And even if you can find your way out of this hole 
It's only a matter of time till you stumble back into it 
And was life outside this hole even like
Was it even so great
What even is happy
I haven't seen sunlight in four days
I'm scrolling through the Mighty articles 
Like all the people I hate 
Misdiagnosing myself from 
Poorly written social commentary 
From a sixteen year old 
Who has never seen a professional psychiatrist 
But is also somehow an internet expert in 
High functioning depression or 
High functioning bi polar disorder 
And I think I'm depressed 
But maybe I'm a manic 
Because I laughed that one time
It's late
I close my laptop and feel leftover blue light 
Seer my retinas that will keep 
REM sleep at bay
It's 3 am again 
And I've still got so much to say 

You want more
I said before
That you can't trust me
I'm a prima donna
It's no nirvana
The reality I see
You want more
I said before
If you think I'll be cured
I'll let you down
Don't you put that weight on me

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