Persephone

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Solemn Judgement

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I've tried to clean your scent off of me more times than I can count 
My throat tired and raw from all the times I had to scream and shout "No!" 
Holding back this oppression in my chest 
Because I know this will only stop 
Not when I want it, no, only when you say so 

Got the grand prize of a hospital gown 
2 weeks in the bin and 3 diagnoses 
Pills to make it better and 6 years of "How are you feeling this week?" 

And never feeling safe again 
My body doesn't feel mine 

No bringing that innocence back. 
I struggle to wrap my head around that. 
This trauma was not created consensually

It was created without my knowing and without my intent 
Without my consent 
I never had the privilege of ignorance being bliss 

I asked why you aren't listening and you didn't hear me 
Pleads falling on deaf ears 
Don't fucking say that you love me 

The inner corners of the walls you invaded have been built back up 
With an understanding of what it means to feel worthless 

It doesn't matter if my skin heals
The imprints of your fingertips will always burn and crack the sensitive parts of me 
Forever more 

The times I do remember what you did to me
I feel my ribs cracking, the ground breaking beneath me and the underlying aches are so strong
I hate myself but I hate you so much more 

How could I let you do that to me? 
How could you do this to me? 
Why did you do this to me? 

I am still wrestling with whether or not this was my fault

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