You're Making a Joke with Your Friends and Suddenly You Realize You're Going to Die

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NOMVDIC

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When I'm laughing 
I'm not hiding
I don't have to remember I'm dying
 
For a moment 
I'm not trying 
to tell myself 
I will or will not be surviving
 
Only I know what twists and turns and always burns in my throat
It's the words in the form of worms and dirt,  
I decompose again and again, a natural reaction I need a distraction 
If my comfort is a lie, let it last -
 
- til the end of time, Can I close my eyes 
to pretend a place with untroubled faces
and situations where I don't face this
 
Alive but so alone 
A smile to hide what lies inside this hole
 
We sit in tandem
Staring at screens with people inside them
Who are paid to take us away from pain and malicious silence 
My mind is crossed but not with the thought of what's to come
It's on these people and the fact they've kept me around this long 
 
They make the same deadpan joke
It always gets me every time
I join in, we play along
But something's wrong
 
Stare into the void
So saccharine
Like stains on these walls 
It fights as it they laugh with me 
 
My head like a stone 
As I fought with the snare 
 
The harder I pull
the faster life's leaving me 
 
Choking while grating my teeth
All this means nothing to me
 
Choking while grating my teeth
All this means nothing to me
 
When I'm laughing I'm not hiding
I don't have to remember I'm dying
For a moment I'm not trying to tell myself I will or will not be surviving

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