Distracted

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Livid

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Distracted
I'm racking my brain tryna get back in
The state that I can rap in
But I ain't about the back end
If I could just take a fraction of these fragments
Put it to use and get it established
I been a prick just like a cactus
They wanna put a pin in my casket
But they can't be the nail and not the hammer
Cuz they ain't never had to try and fail without the answers
They ain't have their ego turn so frail and just abandon
Their whole fucking persona
Then just bail and fucking vanish
But I have
And sometimes I see red just like a wine glass
So I ask myself exactly where I lost my mind at
Rewind back to the time that I fell down on my neck
Just like that, can't turn my head, tears ran to my eyes fast
I started freaking out, the school nurse called my momma
She strapped me in the car took me to the hospital
The doctor ordered a CAT scan
They put me in, real tight, so I felt claustrophobic
All to tell me it's good news, the results were
A pinched nerve in my neck
Get home, I sit there and I rest
Not knowing that shit was about to hit the fan
My dad came in the room, turned his head to give me a glance
He said "why ain't you in school? You sick or somethin?"
Told him "I got hurt in gym class, the doctor said it's nothing"
Before I knew it he was flipping out
Fucking shit up through the house
He was yelling shit was loud
My momma packed our bags and calmed me down
He's still yelling
Off to grandmas house, just like that we just left him
Shit burned in my brain, I can still see all the images
Him going insane screaming now there ain't money for Christmas
I felt bad, like shit because I thought the shit was my fault
We came home the next day, some holes through the dry wall
I don't blame him, I get it. Life's hard, money's stressful
Trying to keep us together, at the same time be successful
And now I'm chasing this dream and I get a taste of this shit myself
And I don't got no kids, so I only pay for myself
Now multiply that shit by four
All the shit that you could buy before is out the door
And you're just tryna stay a week ahead and now a new bill from the hospital is lying there in your name
Shit I'd be pissed too
All the shit he went through just to make sure we was good
Food up on our plates and every game that one of us had he'd break his fucking back just to get to
So anything you may have gotten wrong, I forgive you
It's all because of you that I'm the man that I grew into
Without you I don't know what I would be
And sometimes I think about the day that I won't have you in my life
And that shit fucking breaks my heart
Cuz you did more than play your part
You were what I wanted to be when I grew up, say no more
But that's probably where it started
Lost my mind, went retarded
Now you say the wrong thing to me, I just flip and they're the target
I'm the marksman, I'm not done
I just started
Bitch you can't turn off this faucet I just thought if I did everything like him
I'd be better off like him
I'm competitive like him
I got a temper just like him
It's all clicking, perfect sense
Gotta be my own person
Gotta be alone, perfect
I'm an introvert to start with so this shit shouldn't affect me
People are the only fucking thing that seem to test me
Especially when all I'm doing is tryna be the best me
But all these fucking people seem to line up and address me
And ask me what my plans are?
Exactly what I stand for?
You happy?
You sad? We can't really seem to tell
Like nah I'm fucking pissed right now, somebody get me a belt
Why don't I get any help?
Why did God send me through Hell
But I don't wanna be whining why me, so I'ma get it myself
Nothing new to me
This hollow feeling's getting fucking used to me
But God forbid if I'm not there for someone else
How fucking rude of me
Like I'm playing Survivor, but with no fucking immunity
I'm through with these intrusive dreams
I'm used to being used but we won't go there
I know there ain't nobody in this lane that can touch me
Let 'em hate, let 'em judge me
But they can't take nothing from me
All the fame and the money is as fake and disgusting
As the people that'll change in a fucking millisecond just to gain something from it
F*ck it
I'ma get it by any means necessary
I sincerely vow to make something of myself
Or die in the process of trying to financially secure my family
What?

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