Fatherhood

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Jacob Hauge Mateo & Ben Bushill

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I remember when you swirled like a sea
Full of heat and movement and promise
And I remember when the promises were honoured And the impossibly perfect bloody body Reality
of new human was suddenly in my hands
Her soul leaping from some far off cliff To land in the rainbow sea of this life
Landing in the rainbow sea of this life
Helpless, helpless yet powerful
Eyes that carry the echo of the stars or of God
Your soft and wonderful body That smells of mystery and new bread
A tiny heart on mine Somehow beating, somehow living
Fresh from the forge of love Where miracle and soul have become the alloy of a human life
I cannot save you, I cannot save you I can only love you, for this life is yours and God's
It is not mine
Guardian and servant I may be for a while
Perhaps a safe harbour, my father's heart A nest in which you can grow
And as you grow, my heart stretches wider And beyond anything I could have begun to imagine
When my hand lay on that mother of smooth rock belly
I am caught in the river of fatherhood And it will never let me go
Tumbled and spun by night-time vigils
Relentless giving and this love like a burning sun
By the certainty of not being enough And the surrender of a dream of perfection
Give it all to the river, and the hard edges and rough cracks will be smoothed and polished
As you draw a little closer to the ocean from where both you and your child have come
A small hand reaches for yours And as your fingers touch, this heart swells and aches
Need and service, kindness, the bursting sweetness of them
And their persistent and perfect presence here with you
I am destroyed and remade each day Sailing these vast fields of light and being
In my suffering and bliss
My children are an anchor here to hold me
A compass to steer by, a mercy
They are a mercy woven of tears and trust
I can only let go
For the great river will have its way
I cannot save you or be the one to make you happy
But I do wish that I could be I do wish that I could be
And surely that must be enough for there is grace in that at least
I lay down my life in the service of this love
For love it was that gave me life Love it was that gave me life
Love it was that gave me life And when everything is given
When everything is given
Then gratitude remains
A coal burning at the centre of this heart
Giving its light to my grief and prayers
And warming my children in the cold night

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