Daddy's Girl

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BluThePoet

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1999, I became a daddy's girl
I'd imagine he looked at me and said the words most first time fathers speak

"I'll always protect you"

And if I could respond
I'd probably ask

"Dad why'd you lie?"

But because I was a baby
My response was probably a cry

And ain't that rather fitting
To cry in my daddy's arms and receive comfort

Not realizing I should've probably tried to hold onto those memories
When I actually would need them

Lock his comfort in a box
And save it for a rainy day

Because the hardest years of my life
I never heard "are you okay" from my daddy

And this isn't a poem to bash him
More so to say how I made it over anyway
And ain't that like the first child
To have to fight alone and afraid ?

To be the one to experience how unhinged and un healed her parents really are
And somehow, I still became the teachers lesson plan
The statistical image of what teen pregnancy gets you when you don't plan B it
I've had real conversations with mama
I knew it was an option to control alt delete it

And I don't fault yall for it
I'm actually sad you both allowed me to exist
Because growing up without a present father made me search for love through sex with far too many unworthy men

And I wondered at 24

Where would I be if my father had always stuck by me?
For a fact I'd have less bodies
And I would've probably waited a little longer before just giving it up
Because I would've had an example of what real love was

See I feel I was robbed
Because after me came too many other kids
So when I came back trying to mend what he did
I'd have to share his time now

These past few years all we did was text
And he'd find a way to make empty promises again
And by now I've lost all respect
So when he gets distant
I gladly let him wander off again

Because I'm no longer daddy's little girl
Surface level convos won't do
And I'm over the quick text
Never talking about deep shit
Conversations fading

Ending in vague apologetic expressions of
"I miss you and I love you and I'll get it right"
"This time"

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