Birds

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Tess Berger

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I dreamt I moved away to one of those islands
Choosing a new name,
Buying myself flowers every weekend at the farmer's market,
Pretending I'm from nowhere
Forgot it was a game and became that other person and never thought of you again
Now I hold that picture closely at the forefront of my mind
It could happen tomorrow if I pulled myself together
And resolved to feel lonely, disconnected from my life
Driving to the ocean to feel like I left something behind
Tried skipping rocks until I could, until I was strong enough to leave
Then returning, feeling nothing, feeling scared to see you in the kitchen
Terrified to eat, but bathing surely in the moon
So I'd feel something special for someone that isn't you
It's getting hard for me to separate people from their ghosts
I'm making everything that touches me my life
I dreamed of sitting on a sticky rocky beach
Surrounded by birds and nests who talked like people who never once thought about me
They talked like static
Do you feel it now
Now it's truer than ever
I sit near the door
Once again, drive to the mountains
Once again, drive to the river
Once again, take in the sunset to remember something matters
Once again, I think about how tiny we must be
Once again, just staring down the door in front of me
See the blue house to the right of me
See the brown one to the left of me
See the ever-peeling paint
Always faded, sometimes fine to me
This has become an oil painting
There's a painting of the sky peeking through my closet window
Always dripping, trying to fly
Paint's dripping down like water, watercolor soaking in
I wrote a song a year ago, couldn't make the words fit
Now it's done and I'm embarrassed
You were right, I couldn't see it
But I had to stop waiting
I had to stop waiting
Do you feel it now
Now it's truer than ever
I sit near the door

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