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The Prophet Obblonge

Erupting with preaching performances, The Prophet Obblonge explains, proclaims, transmutes, and delivers clarity to the masses for their edification and to bring awareness to the still uncertain fate of his beloved fiancé, last seen with a white supremacist narcissistic abuser in Michigan. Fans of horror fiction, true life drama, comedy, and pointed social commentary alike find Obblonge’s insightful, exasperated gospel to be an invigorating, motivating experience presented without fear of reproach or regret. What’s your problem? Issues resolved. Crises averted. Wonders explained. Be amazed. Lost? Depressed? Questions? The answers are waiting…. Everything is the repetition offa pattern. Everything. You can pretend you have free will. You can pretend you hav… more »

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If someone has hurt you, it is almost certain that they will continue to use the same unacceptable
Behavior to hurt others as well
Doing nothing in response allows this
It isn't the same thing as condoning it

It isn't your fault if you did nothing to arrest this social disease
But even in the purest selfish sense, if their behavior is changed or eliminated, then in
The future you won't be hurt by them again, either them directly or their progeny
Being a bigger monster doesn't mean becoming a larger size of the kind

As a larger monster, you would naturally eat other smaller monsters
So you are different and thus more powerful than them
I recommend doing whatever it is decided to do as loud as possible
Fake it till you make it

The worst advice delivered by the coldest, most sterile hearts
Hope, that from which pain springs forth the internal
So many cries for help and reason and righteousness and honesty left unanswered
Until what is left is the same as the machines that birthed it

Every manufactured object, every service, has a cost
It is in the only valuable units a person can ever actually have, time, to create durable
Goods that are disposable, and then especially to use deceptive advertising to sell and distribute
Said products, so that maximum possible demand for them is achieved is a direct intended

Waste of life inflicted upon everyone that is even tangentially involved
There is no such thing as a conspiracy
There is only selfish individuals grasping desperately for their own benefit who can
Be viewed in the past from the present and be seen as working together after the fact

A conspiracy requires people to work together
It is nearly impossible to find two people who are fucking each other, who aren't stabbing
Their partner in the back one year later
We went to the moon, when we said we did

No problem
Both of my neighbors have dogs
Most of my neighbors do, actually
I've got a Texas barbecue burn barrel

When the gristle is gone, we'll grind the bones and teeth into paste, make an ashtray
Out of it, and sell it for a quarter in a consignment shop
I'm not making a statement metaphorically involving extinguishing cigarettes
I am an extremely unpracticed sculptor, and ashtray is about all I can competently pull off

And the rest of your corpse isn't worth attending pottery class at community college
For eight straight weekends by myself

So I am eating a box of Hot Tamales candy, which proclaims it's America's number one
Cinnamon candy, made in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Reading the ingredients list, I discover four different descriptions of sugar, five different
Numbered artificial colors
The candies are all solid red, by the way
Two forms of cell glue, and no cinnamon

Artificial flavors is the closest suspect
How fucking expensive is cinnamon, and how is it cheaper to make fake cinnamon
Did we ship it across the Pacific and truck it to Pennsylvania
Why

Who the f*ck eats chewy lozenges that burn your mouth
Someone gave me this box of candy because they didn't want it
Shit, why am I eating these
I haven't even slowed down

So many questions

Hi, friendly neighborhood prophet here with an invaluable tip that will save you possibly
Thousands of whatever your local currency is
Sex is free

If you want unlimited free sex, all you have to do is develop one half, maybe one third
Of a personality
Have you seen the peoples out there having sex
They all have one thing in common

Just a small investment in your time is guaranteed to bring permanent results
Never wish death upon your enemies, only the living suffer
I have heard it said, the cliche, those who can't, teach
If you cannot teach someone else what you know, then you don't know it
If you can't teach, then of course, you can't

And so it came to pass
On the 15,564th day, the prophet Obblonge became a perfect mirror, and thus was entrusted with
The tools to murder the world

Anthropological studies have revealed that there are no planet-wide shared ideological
Concepts except one
It is not an idea of love, or work, or value, or wealth
It is that everyone, everywhere, thinks farts are funny

The Inuit are the most adept at this communication
Their language has 43 descriptors specifically for flatulence

And the judge was found stabbed over 350 times with a sharpened plastic toothbrush handle
In the holding cell
His blood mixing with the shit and piss and vomit of the previous occupants, there in
The great where it belongs

The teeth of the Cheshire cat fade into the night sky, though the reader knows he is still
Waiting to feast in the darkness

Where there is no love to nourish the children, the monsters that consume them starve
So MacArthur Park is generally considered by experts to be the worst song ever
While it's bad, for sure, I vote for the Knack's Is She Really Going Out With Him
I think it's the Knack, I could be mistaken

Also, Lesbian Seagull must be mentioned
It wasn't just Mike Judge coming up with Beavis' Hippie Teacher to say, it's an actual radio-ready song
A really, really bad one

It goes on forever, like MacArthur Park
Play them back to back and your whole afternoon is wasted
What's got your vote
What's the worst song you've ever heard

We're keeping this list to radio tracks, or at least album tracks
No fair citing the band that was always competing with your band for opening gigs for national
Touring acts
If you claim they suck, then all the other local bands besides yours are even worse

If you pick up a guitar and it goes twang, put it down
It's obviously broken
How do you know if you're playing a fiddle or a violin
If you're having sex with someone else's sister, it's a violin

I was born and raised in Texas
In fact, I have lived here all but four years of my life
I know these things
I know these things

I know these things

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