I Love Killing Rappers

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MC Hammersmith

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I love killing rappers, yeah that's what I say
I love killing rappers and it's not a rap cliché
Lots of rappers say they kill rappers habitually
But I mean literally, killing rappers is my favourite activity
The first rapper I killed, I killed him accidentally
I was at a rap show and the rapper energetically
Said "throw your hands up!" which is what I did
But I was holding a beer bottle, and it slipped from my grip
And in slow motion, as I was gasping for breath
The bottle hit the rapper and it glassed him to death
He fell to the ground with a cold bloody tremor
People were screaming as they ran from me in terror
And in that moment, I dawned upon the theory
If I kill rappers, people will start to fear me
And fear equals power, which I've never had before
I had a taste for killing rappers, and now I wanted more

The thought of killing rappers had me in a loop
So I put an ad on Craigslist for a rap writing group
At my local café, five of them assembled
Four up-and-coming rappers and a woman named Beryl
Beryl had just wandered in, she was eighty one
They said "do you wanna join?" she said "that sounds fun!"
I thought "oh no, Beryl, I don't want to dispatch her"
But she was part of the group now, so she was technically a rapper
For 45 minutes I led a workshop in rhyming
Sweating profusely about the murders I was priming
They wrote raps about smashing mics and catching bodies
Then, when they were distracted, I poisoned all their coffees
In a matter of seconds, all of them were deceased
Beryl whispered her last words: "f*ck the po-lice"
In that chain coffee shop I said "my kill count rises"
Five rappers dead in a Costa living crisis

But I wanted more, more rappers to take down
So I decided to kill every rapper in my town
To gain fear and power, so I could be formidable
But I couldn't do a drive-by, my license was provisional
So I planned to kill rappers with shots to the brain
As long as they were walking next to a bus lane
It took a few months, but I went on a killing spree
And Beryl's bus pass meant I was travelling for free

Every rapper in my area, I had left in tatters
Now I had to kill anyone who was tenuously a rapper
I defined the art of rapping by the lowest denominator
So I killed some slam poets and a horse race commentator
Anyone who talks fast was basically a rapper
The man at the auction house - I killed him with his little hammer
Under my patio is where all these rappers rest
I buried them, and changed my rap name to Flows West

So I could kill more rappers, to the big city I moved
Fast forward to now: my killing rate has improved
I kill rappers every day, I kill rappers every hour
I kill them in my sleep, I kill them when I'm in the shower
I kill them every second, the frequency matters
I killed my family - in case they're secretly rappers
Killing all these rappers might bad for my health
I've just realised, I'm a rapper, so I need to kill myself

[gunshot]

Now I'm a motherfucking ghost! Yeah you heard that right
I'm a motherfucking ghost, and I'm moving through the night
I'm back from the dead with the ghostly swagger
I'm glad I killed myself, 'cos now there's one less rapper
But just because I'm a ghost, that doesn't mean I'm stopping
I won't rest until every rapper's in the ground and rotting
I still kill rappers daily, carving their memorial
But I can't kill them physically, because I'm non-corporeal
So I shout "Boo!" and that tends to do the trick
They have a heart attack and they die, like super quick
And I even get assistance from my ghost rap crew
Even Beryl's in it - "Well, it's something to do"

If you're wondering why I do this, please don't be perplexed
And if you're a rapper listening, you're motherfucking next
Because I love killing rappers and I'll never lose my touch
Yeah I love killing rappers... maybe too much

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