Northbound (feat. Blake Alcide)

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Dytenna

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I woke up in car at night, passenger side
With an invisible driver going 111 miles per hour down an empty highway
Except, it wasn't as empty as I thought it was
We were getting chased by faceless police
Or, at least, I was
I'm constantly being hounded
Always "wanted" by these police and needing to be arrested for all the "wrong" things
I do, wrong things I say, wrong things I live by
(Fucking look at you, you're playing the fucking victim!)
And the worst part of it all is that this invisible driver isn't hurling us off of a cliff
And I fucking hate that (What the f*ck, yo, yo, yo, woah, woah, woah, shit!)
These dreams of getting in accidents are coming true more and more often
With all the guidance in the world but my stubbornness leading me to neglect it
I lie to myself and in turn everyone I care about (You fucking liar!)
Then, out of nowhere
"You" came into my life
Then soon, we were floating around waiting for a light to turn on to gravitate towards to help us cope and fight after undergoing reigns of abuse and neglect
We were like moths, flying into the fire of our differences
We were expecting that this fire would provide only a new set of eyes to see with
Except they pulverized us
The fire never burned out
I've been screaming ever since
Never loud enough though (It never fucking ends, it never fucking ends man
I-I-I-F*ck, I'm sorry, shit!)
Our inner child wounds have never been healed
And we remained receptive towards the paintings of turmoil
That we still treaded beneath in those times
We never felt loved, appreciated, and felt like burdens
We however became dependent on one other for those qualities
We've been devoid of so long
We loved, appreciated each other, and never burdened the other
Through this, our inner beings and senses-of-selves vanished
Equally tarnished by reality and pressured by escapism as well
Engaging in it through the use of music and sex, it was our way of fleeing
Together (I love you, I love you)
We said to each other that we must move forwards through forewords of the book
Of our fears to nevertheless remind ourselves
That we are one, conjoined, inseparably connected
And together fighting through it all
Fueled by the hell (And I love you)
But, I broke every barrier of trust and order
And I lost you and everyone else as a result of it
Everything spiraling like this feels non-stop to that of this highway
I'm being driven through
I plead and attempt to please
And drive and also neglect to be driving (What are you doing? Grab the fucking wheel!)
The stakes that have been at hand are not worth it to deal with
I'd rather not live with this ground to be constantly shaking
And only have me feeling its effects
And here's the thing
It's too hard to be here, where the rage aligns with despondency
You can't control everything though
I was prompted with the question of how many times
Could the same person break your heart
I ask instead, how many times could life break your heart?
How many times is it necessary for there to be another up and then another down?
Another up, another down?
Why can't it consistently just be one or the other?
How can you put that trust in life, and even have that hope
When life gets good, just for it to come crashing down again?
Why depend?
There's always something
I'd rather not deal with ups and downs on purpose
Just to know that nothing good will ever last
I lost will
Through years and years of never being there for yourself, providing only for others
You eventually lose yourself to insanity
Making choices you never intended to, sacrificing your own wants
Having it develop into sacrificing your own needs, and then with all of that
Everyone starts Questioning if you're mentally sane
Instead of knowing that you're human and make mistakes too
I learned from it though
I know the outcome now
I'm delving deeper and deeper into my psyche
I just don't want to be treated like I need to be locked away or exiled
It doesn't help
I've done too much good for the world and for people that it seems
As though the thing to look at is what I've done deemed bad or not up-to-par
With my said "usual"
This overthinking and over-abundance of self awareness comes at a toll
But, it's just because I'm an INFJ
Because I'm a virgo
Because I'm a good person
Because I'm still a teenager
Because I overthink
Because I
F*ck all of that
I still feel hopeless at the end of the day
And I don't mean that in a form of quiet desperation or complacency
I mean it now in the sense that I don't care anymore
Because I'm enough and I don't need anything more or less
I don't need to look for anything
I never realized it until now
But, the car door has been unlocked this entire time
I can jump out
Whenever I want
And just like that roadkill on the highway
Everyone will continue to drive past it until it decomposes and it's forgotten
It won't be searched for
And that's the problem
You sit searching
And that's why you're lost

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