This Isn't Your Average Song

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Jamie Felton

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This isn't your average song
This isn't your average song
Your average song is three minutes long with a consistently smooth groove
a catchy tune and four chords repeated
Completed by a relatable lyrical concept about an ex or something
This isn't for the masses
It's for the
musically analytical
So grab a cuppa and stick your earplugs in
'cause yeah this one's nasty
So

I'm probably playing this song live right now in some grotty Swindon pub
It smells and the barman has a black eye
But still better than last week's empty social club
Three hours in and last orders is finally called
But then an alcoholised voice in my ear screams
PLAY WONDERWAL
So I put the capo on the 2nd fret and strum that first chord
Em7 makes my ears bleed but it pleases the landlord
600 gigs in the bag at the age of 22
But these careful rhyming couplets aren't enough to see me through
In the eyes of the big guys at the record label
My fanbase just isn't large and stable
Enough to make them money
But hey that's the music business

The old man in the corner comes up at the end of the night and guilelessly whispers
'You're good kid, you're gonna make it big'
I'm polite and say 'thank you' though he knows no reality
As to how hard it really is to make it in this industry
It's enough to play 'Sweet Caroline' to a bunch of merry pensioners on their Saturday night
But to actually attract an audience to a show is a task out of sight
Why would anyone pay 7 quid to see my show standing on a beer-flooded floor
When they can see me for free the next weekend at their local next door
The promoter asks how many tickets I could sell
I say 'the biggest crowd you've ever had'
But then I sell only two and that's just my Mum and Dad

You need five attributes to be successful in music
Talent hard work determination money and luck
Let's dissect...
Number one
Natural talent is an ability to pick things up quickly
A spark in your technique that excites your mentor in the early stages
It gives you a head start in honing your craft
at which you've got to do number two
Work hard
Practice longer than the others
Be more prolific than the others
Study deeper than the others
First in last out 1% at a time
Don't practice 'til you get it right
Practice 'til you
CAN'T GET IT WRONG
Number three determination
Something's gotta drive that hard work
You question why you're circussing around the circle of 5ths at 2am
It's so you can play that phrygian dominant scale in every single sodding key
So that when the time does come that you rely on that knowledge and experience
You slay it
Number four money
That's the sad part
Hopefully your parents have done alright and they can afford you piano lessons as a child
You form a band in your teens and split the £1000 recording expenses four ways
Then chuck a tenner a day into Facebook's ad system to promote your latest single
Hoping it gets noticed by some important record label people
And that's number five
The luck
'Right place, right time'
'It's not what you know, it's who you know'
You've heard it all before
Could be the best in the world and have all the boxes ticked
But a million other Justins on YouTube
And Bieber got the click

I hate watching reality shows where teenagers say how badly they want it
We all want it darling it's just you go on TV and cry about it
Whereas others strategise a plan of exactly how they're gonna do it
Artist establishment takes years and years and tears and a shedload of stress
So it annoys me when people dream of the overnight success
But hey, I mean, you're the perfect contestant
Pretty face big knockers and your voice is rather foul
You're just another skid mark in the bog of Simon Cowell

'Cause you see music other than acting is the hardest industry
To be the best and stand out with a clear USP
For me I try to do this by keeping my writing versatile
That's why every song is a different style
I love a musical challenge so I'm trying my hand at rap
But the only thing people care about is pop's overproduced crap
Real musical talent is practising for hours a day until your fingers ache
Not being sonically hypnotised by the noises your computer makes
You claim you write beats
Write beats? Come on man behave
Just say that to a real drummer
Neil Peart's turning in his grave
Thousands of hours of practice dented into these fingertips
Yet thousands of hours of practice doesn't generate the hits
But then writing a hit doesn't mean that you're the best
'Cause these days a hit is a hit with a big fat capital S

And what you gotta do to get on the radio this day and age
Write a soppy 4 chord song and you're centre fucking stage
1 5 6 4
C G Am F
Such lazy songwriting
This is music for the deaf
It was fine 50 years ago with songs like 'Let It Be'
But it's been done again and again
Where's the originality?
Modern pop doesn't produce classics anymore
Timeless tracks that the public just adore
Immortal songs like 'Boh Rap' and 'Sweet Child O' Mine'
I hardly see 'Old Town Road' filling dance floors in 2069

And whatever happened to creative lyricism
A Way With Words is a Wicked Weapon to Whip out in a song
But obviously don't overdo it
Alliteration And Assonance Are Awesome but don't overcheeeew it
And don't emPHAsise the wrong syllable in your lines
Or rhyme with the same word as the previous line
I was never clever with lyrics or studied hard and learnt the tricks
So now when you rhyme 'fire' with 'desire' it makes me feel
Take inspiration from lyricists like Sheeran, Bearder and Eminem
'Utter genius' doesn't cover their magic with paper and pen
Masters of their craft pleasing ears poetically
Aesthetically blinding the mind with lines and types of rhyme designed to push the paradigms of lyrical creation
Another modulation

And onto the next rant
Social media
It's great but it can cause a lot of pressure on the artist
It's draining to snap it and tweet it and chuck it on the gram
I feel like I'm failing this societal exam
Why can't it just be about the music and not a popularity contest
250 hearts on your Insta post
Woooooow you must be the best
I try and play the game
Make my fanbase bigger
'Cause obviously no one's gonna listen to a guy with SIX followers on Twitter

I'd like to live in a world where the quality of one's music isn't predetermined by their number of Spotify streams
The head of A&R silently silencing someone's dreams
I work into the early hours sending follow-up emails trying to get features in blogs
But it's hard competing in this densely populated catalogue
Though sign a record deal and your new plugger will sneak your spin on the target radio station
Whereas us unsigned peasants squabble for the almighty 'list of consideration'

I wish I was born maybe 50 years sooner
When music was a physical product to the consumer
What I'd give to personally witness music history being made
Michael Jackson's moonwalk or Freddie smashing Live Aid
A time when real musicians ruled the lands seas and meadows
When writing an album earned more than just half a Tesco's Freddo
See I've made about 1 pound 74 in my YouTube revenue
But that's no surprise when it's
0 point 00000000000000
02 pence per view

Sorry for having a go at the industry like a flame to dynamite
I'm just voicing what every failing artist goes to bed thinking each night
It's been weird writing a song I know will be hated
But musical subjectiveness will long be debated
Imagine if music was like sport where only the most talented succeed
If you run faster than the others fame is guaranteed
Music now is about fitting into pop culture
It's epitomised in the charts
Music now means writing for the business
No longer for the art

But on the other side of the coin
Disclaimer
The truth is I don't believe a single word of any of the bitter comments made in this song
This has all been a fictional character
An elongated parody of any artistic snob who does actually balls themself up to think in such ways
Music is a form of entertainment
Not an academic analysis of chordal and lyrical decisions
If it 

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