november

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Anna Louise Vinall

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Back in state I was in November 21
Curled up in my bed because it's cold and dark
Listening to music that brings me down

This morning the wind almost swept me off my feet
Struggling to carry the weight of my own body
Why am I so exhausted after nine hours of sleep?

Took so much for me to finally open up
Admit that I might need someone
Could've sworn you'd to catch me, the one person I'm supposed to trust

If I screamed my lungs out
Emptied the months' worth of tears
Finally said the words
"What am I even doing here?"

Who would face me, hold me
Remind me of purpose and console me
Instead of running away in fear
Instead of making me feel weaker

Getting too comfortable in feeling broken
Though I know that I'm not beyond repair, but for now it's hard enough to keep myself together
For even just a day

I don't want to be alone anymore, but I won't allow anyone to get close
It wasn't your intention to mess me up, yet you're still the one who clouds my thoughts

Because I was counting onto you pulling me out of the dark
Guess you didn't want to see how deep in I really was

But if I screamed my lungs out
Emptied the rivers worth of tears
Finally said the words that I've been shoving away
"I don't want to be here"

If you knew how hard I'm fighting, would you still keep me quiet?
Would you make me live in fear?
Why didn't you just keep me near?

I'm showing all the warning signs, what more do you need me to do?
You promised you'd always hold me
I'm going insane, now where are you?

It's almost hopeless how we keep growing, but at the core some things never really change
November will keep coming around and maybe one year that will be ok

If there's any point in living,
feeling every nuance of pain
Must be reclaiming beauty out of suffering that makes life perfectly insane

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