Black Market (Intermission)

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Jozlyn Parker

5:42

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Howdy folks!
Just checkin' in with y'all real quick
To see how we're all doin'
How we feelin' the music?
Everybody still alive?
Man to the right there look like he ready to sleep
God damn!
Somebody get him home in one piece
Ay, Claudia, how you holdin' up girl?
That last song had you busy, huh
Well ay, listen everybody
We're gonna take a couple minutes away
From the singin' and dancin'
So now's ya' time to get whatever alcohol
Or lemonade or apple juice outta ya' system, alright?
Bathroom's over to the left
For the time being
I wanna share a little story of when I was a…
Let's just say creative, but morally questionable child
So, it was between the years of 5th and 6th grade
I was super into origami and those arts and crafts projects
That had like, popsicle sticks and rubber bands and what not
Now that's fine and all, nothin' to raise any alarms about, right?
But, I was a little dangerous, you see
I had a… specialty, in a particular type of craft
Ones that were capable of launching a number of projectiles
Including pencils, pen ink cartridges, rubber bands
I made paper guns
And bows
And crossbows, y'all!
And you know
As a kid you wanna show everybody
The things you like to do and work on
So what do I do, but bring them to school!
Naturally!
And it was somewhere along that path that I realised
There was a market for this shit
Like, kids were willing to pay MONEY to own these things!
And so, it began
I was producing these items at home
Smuggling them to school in my dinky ass backpack
Sellin' 'em, and usin' the money to buy food from the canteen
Of course, y'know, in my adolescent mind
I wasn't thinking of the potential ramifications
Of supplying fellow children with such paraphernalia
I was just thinkin' of all the noodles I could get with the profits!
I remember one product in particular sold really well
I won't explain how I made it, for obvious reasons
But I called them "pen bows"
They looked just a regular ballpoint pen
Except they had the ability to shoot the...
Y'know, ink cartridge inside
With an honestly terrifying speed
And over a remarkable distance
Listen, I'm just glad nobody lost their fuckin' eye
While I was operating this business
But of course
Like many of the greatest empires before me
It all came to an end when I made the mistake
Of not adequately concealing these products
It was a paper crossbow
And I think one of my teachers
Saw it in my unzipped backpack
She seized it and took it to the Principal's office
After which I was greeted
With a delightful announcement
From the student messengers
To go meet with him on the playground
By the way, we didn't have those fancy PA systems
Hooked up to every classroom
So we literally had a pair of kids manually deliver messages
Like it was fuckin' 2000 B.C
Anyway
So I'm walkin' to the main play area
Shittin' my pants, and I kid you not
The way this mo'fucker was standing there
Was like I had just entered a boss battle
Like, there was this 6'2" towering behemoth
In the middle of the playground
Alone, holding my little crossbow
In his God damn bear hands
And my 11 year old ass was like
"Yup, I'm gonna die today."
But you know what?
I said nah, I got this!
I approached the dude
And he was like to me
"Son, did you make this?"
And I said "Yes sir. I did."
And, to my surprise, he was actually impressed
I don't know if it was like a game-recognise-game thing
But he was all like "I admire your craftsmanship
But you are no longer allowed to bring these, erhm
Weapons of mass destruction onto school grounds
Is that understood?"
And at this point, whatever confidence I thought I had
Was completely gone, so I just squeaked out
"Yes sir I understand."
He told me to come to his office after school
To collect my property, and he sent me back to class
Now, this next part still confuses me to this day
You know what I did when that 3pm school bell rang?
I went straight to my grandma's car to go home
For some reason, I was too shook to go get my shit
And I'm pretty sure my man was sittin' there wonderin'
When the f*ck this kid was gonna come to his office
But regardless, after that incident
I never brought anything to school again
And so that was the end of my reign
But ay, you had to give it to me
I was hustlin' at ten years old
I was makin' moves, man!
But anyway, kids
If you're thinking of starting up
A paper weapons distribution at school
Um, call me
Ay, ay I'm joking, I'm joking
Teachers, relax, I'm kidding!
Golly
Ay, I'm not gon' stand here and lie to y'all
Sayin' I was a model student
I mean for f*ck's sake
I was operating a black market
While learning about writing paragraphs and shit
But for real, kids
If you feel like you got a entrepreneurial spirit in you
Channel that energy into somethin'
That won't get somebody hurt
Y'know, like cupcakes, or lemonade, or pizza!
Or, hear me out, erhm
Brownies
Yeah, yeah!
Ay listen, only a certain number of y'all hearin' this right now
Will understand what I'm talkin' about
If you know, you know
And with that bein' said
I wanna take us into the last song for tonight
This one's dedicated to somebody
I don't often show enough love to everyday
So, I hope this makes up for it
This is for you Dad
Kick us off Domino

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