Transparency/In Time

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murphhh

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All of these creative choices I've defended
Doing everything I can, feeling overextended
Am I lesser cause I panic and I cannot adjust
To these social situations that I'm often presented?
When my dad's at home adjusting to his brand new appendage
Cauterised's chorus lies, the verses, I meant it
The glass of milk lyric, I've come to resent it
But I've had some trouble sleeping since that song ended
8 year old me would be heartbroken I'm not a writer
I can't start ideas, develop or finish either
Staring at a blinking cursor, the screen brighter
My life a movie, Charlie Kaufman is the screenwriter
I need to slip into a life that's easier
An attention span whittled away for years by social media
Then COVID hit that shit like a meteor
Procrastinated every little thing, I got wearier
And now I can't relax, cause my brain sees doing nothing as wrong
It took me four fucking months to write the lyrics for this song
Unproductive, a passing judgement, moving on
Unfulfilling hours fill my days, moving time along
I feel lazy, I feel like vermin
I hear people say my work ethic is absurd, man
Oh yeah, is it? Really? If I was so determined
Then I'd still know how to speak a single word of German
And the album would've been out by winter
But creativity takes patience I missed, and
You can't carve sculptures without a few splinters
And all for some art that I put my soul into
I'm making too many checks, just like receipts
Overthinking, place my own self in the hot seat
Every aspect of my life, columns on a spreadsheet
Record and process that shit, throw it right on a beat, beat
No label on my mental, no label for release
Put myself into my music till I'm missing a piece
Summer was three whole months, felt like just two weeks
Felt like I wasted it, I cried, bundled up in my sheets
It's scary this is how time will pass for me now, bask in it now
Wondering who around me's masking a frown, pass it around
Cause I don't wanna be translucent alone
I'm doing what I can here, I threw you a bone
Am I exaggerating feelings, or are they my own
Fraudulent lyricist, co-writer: Rhymezone
Look back at the old me, I'm not sure if I've grown
4AM, blue eyes, twitter feed on my phone
Traded less day for more night
But that's a bad trade like a haunter with an eviolite
I can't evolve without the right climate
Not on the same page, cause we kept things quiet
Everyone else feels bad so you feel bad too
Then you feel worse cause you think you're making this about you
Self-exploitative, writing lines when I feel blue
Result's a downer of a song, I hope it isn't true
Plans indeterminate so I felt like shit
Even worse, didn't get any lyrics out of it
I just remembered something I said 3 years ago
And I don't like how I worded it
I should move on, but that's not something I'm great at
Check the lock once, minute later I'm straight back
Said I might have OCD, wasn't easy to say that
Know you apologised, but you can't take a laugh back
Give myself credit, might need to renegotiate
OCD gave me intrusive thoughts, I disassociate
But it's hard to disconnect myself from it when it's
The disorder people treat like a personality trait
"I'm soooo OCD" nah you just like shit ship-shape
Acting too brave for someone self-diagnosed, fucks sake
This album's good now, in a year it's a pisstake
Like Normal Kind of Strange, retconned to a mixtape
When it's done, I'm scared I won't release it
Cause I won't be brave enough to put this track on and repeat it
I'm scared the ones I love think I don't mean it
Or think the album's shit, and I poured my whole heart out for nothing
Music, film, and writing, damn I've cast a wide net
Looking for that one thing, but hasn't arrived yet
I've got the goals that a true artist might set
But am I good enough to justify the mindset
I'm not immortal, but something I make
Could be, so I've gotta work with no breaks
So despite what I've said, nothing I am is a mistake
I've been translucent, now I can return opaque
Wondering
Wondering if I'm saying the right things
Wondering if the words I'm choosing to say
Mean anything to anyone but me
Wondering if I'm saying things because I mean it
Or because it seems like the right thing to say
Wondering if I'm getting words off my chest
But they're still circulating my mind
Wondering if words can actually change anything
Wondering if anyone else feels like this
Wondering if you're even listening
You've shot yourself in the foot
And you're stumbling
Wondering is this how much time it took
To become someone worth being
I've never spelled it out
Cause the letters themselves
Were beautiful alone
But they never had any meaning to me
If I hold your head
And tell you it'll all be fine
Will you hold mine in time
And will you tell me that I break too easily
So I can make myself stronger
And I can hold on a little longer this time
Saying everything will be alright
Everything will be okay I promise
Saying everything will be alright
Everything will be okay I promise
If I hold your head
And tell you it'll all be fine
Will you hold mine in time
(Letters themselves were beautiful alone)
And will you tell me that I break too easily
So I can make myself stronger
And I can hold on a little longer this time
(Letters themselves were beautiful alone)
This time
This time
This time

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