The Ballad of William Hurt

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Rick Real and The Warmth

9:16

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I'm staring through a pane of broken glass
If you don't like it, you can kiss me good night
My plant's advertising for new owners, I fell in with the piss and moaners
Who were calling me away from my work
Another rainy day is in the books
I got ripped off by a girl with rodent looks
She said she was good at Keno, it's a game of chance as far as we know
But there's something right here that ties it all together
I reach for my glass, but it is full of dirt
My sir nom de plume in school was William Hurt
I thought that I was pretty clever, learned it was already taken, well, whatever
I'll just settle back into Johnny Appleseed
I got a pain in my side that makes me stop and think
And count the times that I upchucked in the kitchen sink
"Man, that was one for the record books!" I exclaimed
I laughed so hard, thought I'd die from the pain
But I woke up and got somewhat dressed for work
Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part in the show
When I pass the hat and ask you for your dough
Can you lay another five-spot on me? Got an open tab at the Eastside Omni
I saved a soap and a small shampoo just to give to you
Now pick up your drinks and tell me what you really think
Should I send my tape or would you rather get The Link?
I'd pay any price to get into your club and I'd sell my soul for a decent back rub
But I draw the line at a firmer mattress
My Sponsor urges me to keep up the good work
I respect him so I keep up the good work
How do you take a soul vacation
When you're even aware that there's a Fox Nation?
Mom and Dad are getting a divorce
If there's no one there you should look in the thin air
I hear a lot of beauties vanish into there
Begging your pardon for the humdrum, I'll trade you three Smarties for one Dum-Dum
And we both think that we took us for a ride
My mother moved back in with Five Star General Flynn
I thought, well, Jesus Christ, goddamn, here we go again!
I remember you voted for Mondale, I remind you but it becomes a tall tale
I set fires in our apartment laundromat
I wore a sleeping cap when I was full of crap
The only truck I knew had racially insensitive mud flaps
It's clear the odds were stacked against me, anything shiny would convince me
That the cramps I get are just "likes" or "loves" from God
A man was born in the house y'all are tearing down
Entire lifetime erased, he was a person in Our Town
But he was off-Broadway for most of his life, had a son, I know, but did he take a wife?
Take take take take take take take take take
The Usher shows me to my seat at the end of my rope
Did he forget the time when I offered him my soap?
Bookies call that breaking even, I need one more round for the peaceful feeling
Or do I just need to pay my tab and go on home?

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