Park Güell

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Pat Reed

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Bro, I took the worst piss of my life in Park Guëll while I was on vacation in Barcelona, Spain
Oh my bad, Barthelona, I mean
And I'm not lying when I tell you it was one of the shakiest bathroom operations I ever waited in to pee
They really had me standing for horas out in the hot ass summer Spanish sun
That's no way to treat a tourist, I'm a guest in your country
And by the time the wait was over my vacation was done
I ain't even get to walk the park or see the sculptures
Spent a whole afternoon in that line
I brought it on myself though, never thought I'd be chilling in Spain
I was drinking Fanta Limón's like 3 or 4 at a time
You know you can't get 'em in the States, I was just getting my fill
But it made the wait that day a lot worse
The line was mad long, like really, and I'm 37th in it
Like, at least 36th from the first
Had me thinking that my bladder gon' burst, I won't let it
I'm supposed to turn 27 this fall
I can't be caught pissing my pants off soft drinks
Even in a foreign land that's a bad look
I need to focus up but I can't stop from people watching
It was some hilarious looking dudes in this line
There was a group of holiday-ing Scots standing right in front of me
Catching Mike Tyson haymakers from the sun
I mean, look
They got black tattoos with good line work, but
Their skin so light it looked green
They were pale as a linen sheet hanging dry on a clothesline, on the night of a full moon
I know you know what I mean
I had to put my sunglasses on, the sun reflected off their backs at an angle
And I ain't tryna pass judgment, Lord knows, you look how you look
But I never seen skin that white before
Couldn't see nothing without squinting my eyes
Don't ever stare directly at the sun or a Scottish man in summer time
Unless you wanna go blind for a permanent or limited time
Cuz yo dumbass wanna drink Spanish Fantas with Lime
But once I put my shades on, I was really chillin
I could finally see what's going on at the front of the line
And much to my dismay, the process they had looked iffy as f*ck
Everyone was walking out shaking their hands
Which means whatever hand dryer they got prolly wasn't doing its job
Spain don't really get down with the paper waste like that, which I commend
But it's not the best customer experience, that's for sure
Like how a paper straw dissolve but don't bend
When I made it to the front
I had to stop myself from busting out laughing
Bathroom attendant almost made me cry
Why?
They got a man in a shitty suit guarding the toilet stall like we lining up to piss in prison
And it's only single occupancy
Hope he ain't asking for no Euros
Cuz I ain't paying to piss
Bruh, I can see where it's at just fine, don't need assistance
If anything, you killing the mood
This fool was wearing fingerless gloves like he came out of Street Fighter
And lemon lime Reebok tennis shoes
I was confused, like, what's your job description? Checking if I piss on the floor?
And then asking, "please can you clean this up?"
This ain't kindergarten, sir, I'm on vacation
If I miss, I'ma charge it to the game
And turns out I was right about the hand dryer sucking
It had a very, very non-name brand, definitely wasn't a Dyson
Oh, my bad, Dython
Like I said, whole operation was shoddy
Low-ass ceilings and no real ventilation to speak of
You know covid running rampant in the there
And to be honest
Shit had me stressed
Had to set a reminder in my phone to take a self-antigen test
Shit had me stressed
Had to set a reminder in my phone to take a self-antigen test

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