i have trouble expressing myself so i wrote this

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Wisteria

Wisteria is a genus of flowering plants in the legume family, Fabaceae (Leguminosae), that includes ten species of woody twining vines that are native to China, Korea, Japan, Southern Canada, the Eastern United States, and north of Iran. They were later introduced to France, Germany and various other countries in Europe. Some species are popular ornamental plants. An aquatic flowering plant with the common name wisteria or 'water wisteria' is in fact Hygrophila difformis, in the family Acanthaceae. more »

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(Here in my room, in hermit mode
I have maladaptive daydreams of a road
A pathway paved of crystals and gold
I'd rather stay there until I grow old)

I'm sorry I don't mean to hide
Things have gotten so rough
I'm relearning who I am inside

I'm being faced with my triggers once again
When I thought I had healed
But it almost feels like nothing had changed

Guilty conscience
Full of nonsense
Take some time alone to reset
Is it true? Am I a burden?
I want your complete honesty
I just don't want you to lie to me
Am I seeing things clear?
Is this reality

Is this the truth?
Is it real?
Or is it just
How I feel?
It's hard for me to navigate through
What my brain tends to put me through
Do
You really
Hate me like
My head thinks you do?
Or am I just so hard on myself
I wish I could blame it on everybody else?

(I think that I just hate myself
I'm assuming that everyone hates me too)

(Oh, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know)

I know you haven't heard from me in a while
I'm just scared of fucking up again
Avoidant, radio silent
Terrified of hurting you again
In a room full of people
I've never felt so alone
It's the strangest feeling I've ever felt
The most painful thing I've ever known

I don't wanna drink
I don't wanna smoke
I don't wanna feel like
I'm still 21 and broke
Running laps tryna catch up
But I can't seem to
Get the timelines to match up
And it sucks (F*ck)
Yeah, this fucking sucks (F*CK)
I could blow my brains out
Or you could watch me choke (WATCH ME CHOKE)
It's all so unbearable and you already know
I'm not afraid to hurt myself
But I'm afraid to go
(Off the deep end like that again)

(This is self destruction at it's best
Self isolating with the excuse to rest
The never ending tightness in my chest
To hideaway is my safest bet)

I think that I just hate myself
I'm assuming everyone hates me too
I have to change but I need some help
So why am I so scared to ask you
Don't wanna bother
But this just can't do
I don't wanna make you feel like you
Bit off more than you can chew
I keep hurting myself out of fear of hurting you

I think that I just hate myself
I'm assuming everyone hates me too
I have to change but I need some help
So why am I so scared to ask you
Don't wanna bother
But this just can't do
I don't wanna make you feel like you
Bit off more than you can chew
I keep hurting myself out of fear of hurting you

I don't wanna make you feel like you
Bit off more than you can chew
I keep hurting myself out of fear of hurting you

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