Cycles

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RDCarucci

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Ever since my mom passed, I’ve had many moments where I’ve had to live on my own. Sometimes literally, sometimes mentally. Whenever this happens, I start to wonder

How can I escape my head?
I’m seeing appearances just rolling through mislead
Adventures and anxiety because of lesser sense
That feeds stories lacking glory
To defeat my mind’s defense
What should I plead for now?
Emptiness and quiet cause the death has left me bound?
I really need a friend to calm my trauma and rebound
But can’t depend on teenage spirits cause it’s grown too heavy now
It’s a situation that I’m enveloped in
Sucked in through lesser luck’s sick and grown developments
How can I pimp my own mental state to forget this pain?
When my spirit’s drained of it’s power to remain

F*ck
F*ck
F*ck
F*ck
F*CK F*CK F*CK

When I fight this pain
It unlocks my rage
Punching at the empty air is getting old 
So let me pick a target to unleash my empty spirits on
Let’s talk about my friends
Who I was loving very dearly 
But now my mind is torn and weary
So they’ll take another beating
Since I don’t care anymore
How they are gonna end up feeling
I can’t see past my own bubble that’s been overthrown by rage
They can take it to my mind manager when my mood has changed
To sane
Or switched up lanes
To talk about my father who is plagued by ricocheted old problems
That stem from that fact
That we haven’t recovered
From the death of my dear mother
Yet we beat each other down because the cycle holds us hostage
So we just blame each other 
For the extra pain the cancer brought us
And when my stepmom sees the risk this brings
She steps in so my pain won’t break her husband

Oh, that
What, what am I doing
H-how, how can I, how can I stop?
Can I?
Is it, is it too late?

Falling to the bottom with no one to pick me up
I need to swim to the top cause only I can help myself
Leading my life with these losses and regrets that I’ve employed
Destroying all of my relationships because I don’t enjoy
Anything that I have to deal with anymore
When my life just feels like 9-5 employment I’ve destroyed
Living and tripping off all of these feelings
Dividing and slicing me into these pieces
A shred of myself that is no longer breathing
The air that I used to protect all my breed with
How can I move forward with the destruction I’ve caused
Regretting the mentions I’ve spread on my family
The damage I know I must issue retractions
Telling my Uncle and Grandma it’s fine
But all of this pain still exists within my mind


How can I help myself?
Who can, who can save me?
Who…

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