HEAVENLY FATHER

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RXS3

20:14

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Lost faith in the father
Lost faith in myself
Lost faith in what I see
Lost faith, I'm giving in
Giving up
Lost faith in the trust
Broken promises I made
I can't handle all the shame
Always swore I would never be like him
Abandonment it runs deep
Should be the eighth deadly sin
But maybe it's just angst
Words that form themselves in trance
Shut my mind off, let the soliloquies dance
I don't know what to say
When faced with my problems I just hide away
Always running from consequence
Tryna make change out of pounds and pence
Money in my wallet goes to a fix for my head
You could call it medication, more like meditation
On a theme of make believe I'm steady chasing
Making conversation with the man upstairs
But I don't hear a reply, wonder why I even try
Was everything just a lie?
Making mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains
It's an Everest I'm mounting tryna rid myself of doubting
That this could ever be anything
Picket fencing, but I'm just venting
So this the second side of therapy
Ain't nobody there for me
Staring at a corner rhyming bout the way it's meant to be
Never make any changes
As I carry on aging
Getting older but not wiser
Always be a stunted child
Personality deficit
Born without a pot for piss
Growing up I wasn't shit
Still waiting for the opposite
Never tried to make a hit
Only tried to blend the sound
Covering the same old ground
Don't know why I'm still around
Lord knows that I shouldn't
The things I regret
The things that I couldn't
Pile up on top of me
So heavy that I cannot breathe
Wish they'd just let go of me
I'd repent for my sins
But what's the use of repent when I'm gonna relive them
Too many addictions
I ain't fixin'

Lifetime never promised for a sharp mind
Not on witty shit, my neurones cut like razor wire
I'm scared of myself
Sick of being scared of the future
I was running from the jump, man my guilt was heavy
I had your body on my mind all through February
Thought the grieving should have stopped
I thought my heart was ready
I thought id made it through worst
But the worst was yet to come
Sixteen, far too young for a cemetery
I just wish I could have helped
Wish I picked up the phone
I was chasing one more high as your spirit returned home
Just wish I could see your face
Show you where you could have been
Lifetime never promised but we keep living for the dreams
My mind's on holiday, feels like it's there to stay
As I just waste away, same four walls every day
And every face I see, they all turn into you
But I'm just lying to myself, there's nobody else like you

I'm just tryna get my mind right
All these hopeless nights, dreaming 'bout the limelight
But everything is nothing, if there's no-one left to share it with
So this one is for you, my rose, my everything

Bottled up
All the feelings that I kept inside
Bubble over out the side
I guess that's why I wrote these rhymes
It's been weighing on my mind
Since the day I missed your funeral
A continent between us though
I never had a chance to go
I never got to say goodbye
I guess that's why I use your name
Just to carry on a legacy
I hope you're smiling down on me
I hope that you're still proud of me
Everything I used; tried getting over you
Couldn't get used to you living in a casket
Weaker than tomorrow, but stronger than yesterday
Every day I make it through, forever dedicate to you

I'm just tryna get my mind right
All these hopeless nights, dreaming 'bout the limelight
But everything is nothing, if there's no-one left to share it with
So this one is for you, my rose, my everything

Crawl out from under the overdose
Plainclothes watching so I gotta keep my secret close
Timecode, run it back
Wake up in an ambulance
Got marks, ain't running track
If it's a race, call this a record setting victory lap
Ten seconds from the top to the bottom
Ain't a fucking role model
I'm just stuck in all my problems
They're killing me
Hallucination slowly turns reality
I used to promise I would never touch sniff
That's a lie; I just said it cause I couldn't admit
That hope was never there, only saw the despair
Generational pain, was my mother's cross I bear
And her mother and her mother and her fucking grandmother
Fear and anxiety set in my biology
Studied chemistry, never got good grades
But I'm street smart, I know exactly what to take
Physically, I'm falling apart
Try to stay together, I'm never easy on the heart
Marathon lines in these troubling times
One day ill drop I'm sure the choice was never mine
If it was would be through by now
But I'm still here somehow
Stand up and take a bow
It all stops when the penny drops
Living ghoul, a paradox
The holy gates forever locked

Guess I get what I deserve, don't I?
It all stops when the penny drops

Guess I got what I deserved
Isolation served with a side of just deserts
Yeah, I guess it's all my fault
Smoking grade waiting for my early grave
Man, it's just too much to take
Just threw up in the lobby
Escorted outside, dare security to stop me
Only there for a link
Stop and think
Watch my life toppling down
Let the public gather round
I put my heart out on display
I left my mind backstage
Like a bird let out a cage
I'm never coming back again
Separate myself from pain
Depersonalisation
That isn't me in the mirror
Just the ghost of paths I've taken
Fork in the road where the two shall meet
Both come to same defeat
Ain't no sermon left to preach
Ain't no lesson left to teach
Just don't repeat my mistakes
End of line, turn the page

Guess I get what I deserve don't I?
It all stops when the penny drops

Yeah, I'm a wordsmith with a black heart
Got trouble making bright art
Figure out where time starts
To take the course of life by both hands, tender touches
The joyous straws I'm clutching, strands of hope there's an angel coming
So I guess this is a happy song
Lord knows, I never wrote one before
I don't know where to start, I guess we play our parts
It's my god given gift to profit off my darkest thoughts
Lord take me to a place where the sun shines
A little place that's just mine 'til I fizzle out and flatline
Where i can sit on the beach, read a book and drink some white wine
Look at the waves coming in, when it's high tide
I'll stay inside with candle light, flip the record to the other side
Mitchell at her finest is the soundtrack of my perfect night
In the morning, rain is pouring but I don't care,
Feet up, hot chocolate in the armchair

And on another day you'll see me there
Staring at the waves again
In my head without a care
You'll find me in my happy place

We all need solace sometimes
A place to rest our minds
When troubles start to climb
We all need an escape
From the monotony
The constant threat of loneliness
When checks don't come with bonuses
When the stress that's piling on just gets too much
Create a little getaway you can trust
Know the corners of your mind can get scary
I know you have the power, turn your demons into fairies
And then you can be free
However temporary
Shut the world off
Live in the imaginary
Self-dependence is the hardest learned lesson
It's your strongest weapon in a world that's out to get you
But maybe it's not, maybe everyone cares
There's beating hearts behind vacant passing stares
They too have their worries, may not show it in their face
But maybe, they too found solace in their happy place

And on another day you'll see me there
Staring at the waves again
In my head without a care
You'll find me in my happy place

Heavenly father, gotta say I ain't been sleeping well
Keeping well, think I lost my faith in a wishing well
I take a coin and flip it, all comes clear as it falls
This ain't heaven's gates, but I see death, feel the claws
If not today then it could always be tomorrow
Our time is borrowed, no use wasting it in sorrow
So I've been working on myself, have I made you proud?
I'm just looking for a signal that you're still around

Heavenly father, it's been six years since I've seen her last
I still apologise, but it could not have been her time to pass
She was just a kid, wit

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