AFFECTIVE/OK W U

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mars zolo

6:49

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I don't need sunshine to be bright and early
I'm runnin' laps around my brain in a tight 30
To confirm me, I think I need a medal
So the curtains stop closin', I collect rose pedals
Schizoaffective effectively nukin'
All my chance at nobility 'cause my mental been jukin'
Like Reggie Bush back up in '05
Ingram back in '09
Thinkin' of jettin' early like a 90's Ritchie Kotite
Socially distant before some death was an issue
Gettin' verses from people, that shit was Gmail central
If a female pin you then we the trio you need
Little virgin ass is fine never losin' some sleep
On GP, I'm preachin' 'bout the silliest ethics
The shit I thinkin' 'bout be blowin' up on bigger than Precious
I swear that car behind me 'bout to break in my crib
Nevermind, he just turned to get to Broadway
Shit

I see the sun in the back of my mind
And everyone has got to pass on by
But I'm good, just gotta take my time
If it's alright with you
You my makeshift trophy at the end of the race
Though they all place far in front of me
If you want, I can hide my face
If it's alright with you

I just been tryin' to let it go
Whether that means lyin' or pulled iron, I'll never know
I grapple with the mental but I'm still too sentimental
To understand that this is forever and not a rental
There's a lot about it that never quite stuck
If it isn't the heroin, it's a better night's f*ck
But what's the vice, is it this chemical device
That finally puts my puzzle down when it runs like mice
Couldn't tell if it's rejection or natural selection
Or the world saying one thing but me not electin'
To ever listen to the sermon I would willfully dodge
'Cause I prefer to live in riddles like a cult to a god
I guess the subtlety, it's worked in a way
I never got the kind of text from you that ruined my day
But I haven't got a one and if that sword ain't double-edged
I guess it's time to save my mind to keep from lovin' you again
So I'll be rappin' 'bout the sun until I think of you then
Then I can craft some basic metaphors for puttin' you in
And I can claim that I'm romantic and manufacture the tale
When really, I'm pedantic and I imagine it well
Nobody's strong enough to tell me that it's over or a lost cause
Just be happy I'm keepin' sober
Quit while I'm ahead, try to break my bread
And stop complainin' that she's never even thought of your bed
And I agree, there's nothing more that I crave
Than a day that I can live without you runnin' my brain
But the more I try to empty, it's the more I go insane
It's a phase of my brain cells jumpin' like it's a rave
Homies say to try, life is too damn short
You get to say you took the dive but I'm not quite sure
After all this time, after all this lore
I'd be so fuckin' embarrassed when there ain't shit to report
I used to wanna save you but you killin' it now
I thought that's how I'd get you but that's silly right now
It's like we traded places but we kept the same faces
And the more I show of mine, it's like evacuate the bases
The more I look at yours, it ain't so negative
Man it's pleasant, I get why I spent that energy
It's a tunnel vision I could keep and last 'til I was eighty
But that ain't no way to live so I'm takin' what they gave me
Maybe I'm a bitch or this is how I'm supposed to cope
'Cause I can't go back to drugs and my mama wouldn't know
But I couldn't talk to you because this shit would wig you out
I made my bed of nails, I gotta live in it now
But this idea of you, it probably isn't accurate
I wrote enough about you that I'm probably fuckin' out of it
I know that you would laugh me out the motherfuckin' room
And it's all in my mistakes and there was nothin' you can do
You just a character now, it got out of hand
It's likely that you'd hate me seein' all that I am
But it makes for something interesting to uninitiated
So they ain't opinionated or jaded about the placement
My head is on some f*ck shit, cloud to the nines
Diagnosed a couple times, they never got the shit right
Made me think that I was crazy, that they're guessin' a game
'Cause in reality, they just can't handle how I'm depraved
They say that I hallucinate, delusional talk
That they can't even trust the way I usually walk
That I can never tell that I was doin' it wrong
I just dealt by sleepin' long and making dubious songs
It's easy, I can say that I was out of control
I'll absolve my involvement in this cowardly role
Then I can get the sympathy and glory from the crowd
That I hit the bottom hard and climbed the f*ck back out
I like to play pretend, I've been creative forever
So the fact that it's inaccurate is makin' it better
I can color in the blanks and capture drama in spirit
And everybody's so proud that they would wanna come near it
I say I'm introverted but I never did mention
That I've been longing for the day that I'm the center of attention
I've got a penchant for performative words
But I've sent them all my life, no one report that it hurts
They tell me that I'm sick but they don't know how
If I'm schizo, borderline or if I'm just whacked out
Manic depressive maybe, let's give it a look
We just know that you're crazy, let's just refer to the books
But why am I liar, why an addict or thief
Why the f*ck am I not sleeping, do I even fuckin' bleed?
My parents always sayin' that they worried for my safety
But I'm terrified of dyin' so I know it couldn't take me
So breathe a little easier, just please don't fret
I'm sure it's all a circus being done in my head
I know that I'm dramatic and I jump to the worst
I'm sure that I'll feel better once I find all the words
I'll pay them back, I just need a little time
I'll text a couple friends and say I'm back with the rhymes
I'll finally find a girl that I can share and can trust
I can shine if you look away from all of the rust

I hate the sun in the back of my mind
And everyone thinks that I'm not fine
But I'm good, I just need my time
Is it alright
Is it alright with you
You're this bullshit prize at the end of the line
And I hate that they all place far ahead of me
I really gotta hide my face
I know it's alright with you

If it's alright
With you

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