Birthday Cards

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KaeDee

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I know that things are kinda messy
The layers we're undressing from the past and many
Years we were together and the flaws now addressing
It's awkward how we're stepping
Who's living where? Who's getting what?
I'm well aware I could've kept my mouth a little better shut
Or maybe opened up and made my voice a little clearer
And not just let it go and fester 'til I'm giving up
We had something special
I guess it felt like time just had us
Both diverted, different paths and disconnecting
So now I'm in this bedroom
Lying here in silence wonder why it had to come to this
And what you're doing now and now my eyes are getting strained
I do my best to pull myself out this reverie
Try my hardest not to cry and look at pictures
Though they're tempting me
Seeing all the good, discard the bad
And keep distorting all these memories
My inner voice is now my enemy
It said I wanted freedom
Now it's a, 'nother story that it's telling me
But this life is what I wanted, true
Thought I really had a hold on what i'd do
Still debating on, if this was my W
Or I took a L, won't find another you
Good times but the hurt stays part
Bad days hit me in the worst way hard
Tryna reach out in the first place, can't
So I'm here reading all these old birthday cards
Now I'm pondering the fact
Wondering if that's the route I should've took
I look at you then look at me
Am I the blunder in this pack?
Got a little thunder in my back
Started shooting through my body and my spirit
Thinking everything I'll kill it
I'm so much better than this table where I'm sitting
Boosting up my self esteem and self worth
Forgetting 'bout the time before
When I was just alright, that's all
Yet you were there regardless of my mediocre talent or my looks
Cuz you were seeing past it
And you really showed the balance, cuz I took from you
Some lessons and mentalities I needed to succeed and you
Took from me what you had needed to, alleviate the pain
And now I'm here and seeing women on my feed
I only want because my drive is fucking high
But once it's done I realize that I don't fucking need
I thought you needed me
More than I thought I needed you, even just to breathe
Made the mistake of over inflating my ego, homies I painted as people
Living out their best life, hold to and chasing that scene
Depicting bachelor life, my own space, plenty women
Doing what I want and when I want, pretty accurate right?
I'm not the Don I think I am
I was when I had someone who legit would come and sing for man
Told me that she loved me
Even though I wasn't big on marriage man I saw you as my wife
But felt too young for all that pressure
Now I'm reading every message
These cards celebrating anniversaries and birthdays
And you saying you can't wait to celebrate
All the way up to our 55th it's mad
Now I wonder if I reach out, would you even text me back?
Cuz I hurt you, know I did, that's my burden and I'll step in that
But I love you still, that didn't stop, just needed some correcting and
Cuz I'm struggling now
Feel like I'm running it down
Going play by play in my brain all day
Tryna come up with how
Did I get here? It was your fault, not mine
Nah nah, f*ck that
Arrogance bruv cuz I really can't buss that
Mad cuz I thought that I'd stand tall
But I'm here eyes glued tight to my screen on my hunchback
Waiting to press send, reset on a life that I messed up
Tunnel vision dark, feeling like I'm heading hard for a dead end
Maybe I need this growth
And sat from this view my mind's gone blind
And I just can't see that though
You might move on way smoother than me
Cuz I was the issue, maybe I'll bounce right back from my pitfall
Light my path so
I'm doing everything I can do
Really tryna breed that hope
Meditate and breathing slow with a couple candles
Everybody saying you're the difficult one
But we can't deny I was a handful
My quiet self worked hard in my favour, right?
But we'd take that stride…
But soon I would stray off mine
With my basic lies
Didn't wanna fake that life…
Nah, not with you, couldn't fake it like…
One sided affair gets painted the further I read these cards
And I wish I could just go back in time
And give you a hug and the love you deserved it's hard
I remember you shaking when we did break and
You said I just wanna spend time with you
Hindsight a little bitch, now I feel like a mighty fool
Thought so big of myself, yeah how the mighty fall
Maybe we could find love in a life anew
But for now I'm struggling to write this tune
But I guess this life is, what I, wanted, true
Thought I, really, had a, hold on, what I'd, do
Still debating, f*ck, was this was my, W
Or I took my L, won't find another you
Had good times but the hurt stays part
And the bad days hit, in the worst way hard
And I'm tryna reach out, in the first place, can't
So I'm stuck here reading, all these old birthday...

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