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Watched how he coped, smoked, drinking he provoked
False hope that I hoped, watch at twelve with a rope
I was pulled from the ground
Alcohol the mother found
No attention it was sound
I was struggling it was bound

With his past straight to the ground
How I coped came knocking down
His impact kept knocking me down
Yet his love for me was forever bound

Here I sat at age thirteen
The smoking lungs that left me seen
In hopes he'd see I was young too
This addiction was straight see-through

I wanted him to see I was just like you
Tore him to pieces, Jules and Rue
I wanted the need, I had to settle too
The lesson of love, the struggle for you

Struggled with harm, against myself
Myself told it was only mental health
Shared my experience with the drugs
The drugs would speak so I wouldn't give a f*ck

I was thirteen, first year being a teen
When my demeanour changed from being keen
With grades being D's
Father itching for a feen
Would my friends know what I mean
If I smoke on the lean
While living so much in between
I grew up damaged as a teen
Yet I take pride how I done made it this far
Get my license, a car
Driving out across this car
Been a while since I laugh
Since my father afar
Those 6 months moves apart

No support, drugs bought
Take me to a place within my thoughts, is what I fought
Scattered lessons that he taught
Take me to the court, custody for his daughter
Maybe then
For his daughter

Maybe I was there more to prevent him up off the floor
To vent over a car, to tell him I loved him way back before
Xanax, speed, ket, caps in panic
The need upset, perhaps managed
Through the weed, speed Xanax that I kept relapsed backwards

Too OD to get the call
To fall to floor in those exact words
Too OD to think of him
But now he holds his lack of words
It was all backwards
His addiction not understood
Until he rests inside this wood
As his step daughter I preferred he could
To change the time
To change the hurt
To watch the storm
And jump head first
To convince him he needs to learn
His addiction could be deferred
But even time would not concern
I'm talking now since it occurred
If I go back, I'd rehearse words
The word love
Would return

When I was just a little girl
I done beat through hell
Oh well
Biological daddy issues shaped through his yell
My brother denied and swear he wouldn't tell
Only age 12 when I removed his blood genes from my cells

Felt trapped like a cell
With 12 by 13 bars parallel
To tell how I was only 12
Turning 13 would no longer dwell
Alcohol addiction when I was 12
Repetition for myself

Who'd create a life, narrated non-fiction
When I was 12, vodka bottles infliction
Mama knows so my father's eviction
If he didn't OD, he'd continue all hidden
He was my dad though
The life he lived, I followed in his shadow
Not just a step, the stairs for the shallow
He was a good soul, gave a childhood
Then he pointed like an arrow
Told me to hide a lie for tomorrow
He loved his daughter, that's the feelings of sorrow
Couldn't say no, if I did world follow
I tried my best and that's a hard pill to swallow

Rehab was just a failed way
Doctor shopping he would outplay
Remember on the bike that I would play
Distant memory surpassed when he left the driveway
I was 12, nearly 13 in an attempt to forsay
That my loving stepfather could miss the step along that stairway
His fate went a long way
His fate was a second interway
Yet I loved him cause he taught me everything up to that day
Until that day

If I could go back, which I know that I can't
But if I could go back, would I'd change what I'd rant
I'd look at my father
I'd take his hand
I'd show him his fate
My world when it ends
Is it selfish if I tell him my plans
All my soon attempts just to see him again
Knowing he left with no real plan
Or tell him I love him
The message I'd send
All the people around me
Did not, feel like all the people around me
Yet he found me
He tried, he succeeded
He raised before drowned he
I gotta try cause I can be found like they found he

I gotta put on a smile in pain proudly
A god that raised he
Yet a father that raised me
So how can I leave with the world that he left me
Yet how can I live if he cannot see me
Not to slit my wrist or put a bullet in my brain
Only passes on pain
Conflict in his name
May I not be sane
Should I live shouting his name
Remember what he became
Remember what he was
To not forget who he raised
I'm his daughter that's some shit to never changed

I walk the streets and the path that he paved
If I went back in time, even then I can't save
I'm in pain, mentally
Messages I sent late
Now he's gone passed away
Due to his younger days
I love him, what I say
So it's still such a shame
A step to a daughter
Stepped up to the name

A rough childhood
But what didn't kill me kept me stood
Kept me under on the low low
Kept me rowing by what I could
It was hard seeing my brother and uncle walk down this man
Introduced as a step
Left as a father who did not ran

Left in the coffin in the hands of my brother
I would never lie about the pain he inflicted rather
I would tell the truth about his addiction
To one another
Through a different voice
Same perspective
Biography, a different cover

Deep down before he hit the ground
Before that call brought trauma around
He was a loving man who struggled and coped with what he found
One could count on
Take steps to mount on
Addiction made one doubt one
Addiction took one without one
Way before we found him
Body down
Found numb

I know
It's not my fault
I know
It's not my fault

From there on
Each day would be a stare off
Take these drugs for it to wear off
Unfortunately that would be the death of
No one understand by myself and that wasn't enough
A speech as I stand
Preach about this man
Standing on steps
Addiction he would bluff
Enough was enough
Changed my mindset
Life was tough
No one to blame but himself
Vodka bottles on the shelf
Age 12
Crying about his health
Never grew up in no wealth
Age 12, I was 12 flooded with doubt
Drowning in his drought
How'd he do without

The truth was I loved him
And maybe that's what made his death so up fronting
Maybe that's why he didn't die before July 9th for nothing
If I could take back some words, since the day I was 12
Father issues resulted in the idea of a heaven
A father stepped on
Stepped on
Stepped on like a car with no engine

Through life's highest highs
I was taught it all dies
Dark, yea but so were his lies
So were emotions of depsise
So were lessons taught being wise
But not his love cause love never dies
This the last letter
Not no guilt trip
Me being better
Not no no maybe if I said a
Not an ending if it's never

Trauma, weak, endeavour
From weeks of trauma depending wether
The pain is pending never
I've made it this far outscale measure
Manoeuvred a life together
From pieces undergoing pressure
I'm proud I moved it compressor
Pressed like Thor winged helmet feather
I'm the prime mover
Like a minister, a lever, Thor
I could change the weather
Yet the storm is something never to endeavour

I shouldn't be blaming myself at all
I wasn't the one who stumbled and took that fall

When he fell I knew I'd fall
I've been grieving way before
His heart was big yet drugs were tall
Cry on a call
A shoulder to fall
Lessons he taught while addiction would haunt
The feeling of love what it brings what it brought
This drug we call love leaves a price evert cost
This man I call father was afar when he lost

Cry on a call
The tears they would pour
Pour a lake which is rich in the water
Tears they pour knowing what he taught her
Tears of poor, absence for his daughter

Two attempts to meet my step again
Once in the flesh
Once with a plan
To see my step heaven steps again
My second attempt yet it failed again
I miss this man
Often I tend
To bottle this up
Over a time span
In the past few minutes of a time span
Was it well spent not to resent
But to accept nothing will bring him back man

F*ck

Two attempts to meet my step again
Once in the flesh
Once with a plan
To see my step heaven step

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