Song parody of
Cold Hard Facts of Life
by Porter Wagoner
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I got back in town a day before I'd planned to
I smiled and said, I'll sure surprise my wife
I don't think I'll phone, I'll just head on home
For I didn't know the cold hard facts of life
I passed a little wine store on the corner
I pictured big champagne by candle light
I stopped the car right then got out and hurried in
My mind not on the cold hard facts of life
A stranger stood there laughing by the counter
He said, "I'll take two bottles of your best"
Her husband's out of town and there's a party
He winkled as if to say you know the rest
I left the store two steps behind the stranger
From there to my house his car stayed in sight
But it wasn't till he turned into my drive that I learned
I was witnessing the cold hard facts of life
I drove around the block till I was dizzy
Each time the noise came louder from within
And then I saw our bottle there beside me
And I drank a fifth of courage and walked in
Lord, you should've seen their frantic faces
They screamed and cried, please put away that knife
I guess I'll go to hell or I'll rot here in this cell
But who taught who the cold hard facts of life
Who taught who the cold hard facts of life
I got back in town a day before I'd planned to
I smiled and said, I'll sure surprise my wife
I don't think I'll phone, I'll just head on home
For I didn't know the cold hard facts of life
I passed a little wine store on the corner
I pictured big champagne by candle light
I stopped the car right then got out and hurried in
My mind not on the cold hard facts of life
A stranger stood there laughing by the counter
He said, "I'll take two bottles of your best"
Her husband's out of town and there's a party
He winkled as if to say you know the rest
I left the store two steps behind the stranger
From there to my house his car stayed in sight
But it wasn't till he turned into my drive that I learned
I was witnessing the cold hard facts of life
I drove around the block till I was dizzy
Each time the noise came louder from within
And then I saw our bottle there beside me
And I drank a fifth of courage and walked in
Lord, you should've seen their frantic faces
They screamed and cried, please put away that knife
I guess I'll go to hell or I'll rot here in this cell
But who taught who the cold hard facts of life
Who taught who the cold hard facts of life
