Defeated

Curtains Always drawn so you can't see the sea of trash that I live in Both lightbulbs out Spots of mould on bathroom tiles I woke up today when the department head herself Called me and politely asked me where have I been I've been busy being tormented by Thoughts of self-doubt, fear, longing, and the apocalypse A never-ending stream of what-ifs, they feel so real It's hard to make ends meet when you've got a chronic illness And it's hard to get it treated when you're broke They sent me to another place I had to fill out the forms again And then explain the whole thing from the top I know it's not my choice But it's hard to escape the feeling of letting everybody down Getting better is hard work and often makes you feel worse I need something to make it all worthwhile So the days fly by It's unbearable how much I miss the warmth of the human touch How I wish I could just walk up to you and hold you in my arms And it would be OK Even though we're friends I fear it might be strange The passage of time is frightening I wonder if I still can get started with my life At the height of anxiety All the things that are dear to me Feel almost like they don't exist at all So the years fly by It's unbearable how much I miss the warmth of the human touch How I wish I could just walk up to you and hold you in my arms And there would be no shame Life is not much fun When it always feels like love is out of reach Is it ever enough? As a man you're not supposed to feel this way