Song parody of
Chicken Caesar Salad
by Erica von Kleist
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Chicken Ceasar Salad
My dress are tight
Probably from the bread that I had with dinner last night. STUPID.
That's alright. I'll just dust off that weird maxi dress that I don't like that's that weird shade of off white.
And I know I'll be cold tonight but my jeans are tight and I'll throw a fit tonight if I can't impress the guy that I like and hopefully the lighting will be just right and I know we'll be dining by candlelight and I also know I'll have a massive appetite but I'll probably just end up ordering a chicken caesar salad. With dressing on the side.
Oh look she had her baby! Oh how sweet and that face and those chubby chubby cheeks.
Oh look and mommy's tummy is as flat as a sheet an her ass looks like concrete. How could I ever compete.
If I ever had a baby
My life my job my career all on the backseat all while her perfect body is ready the moment her baby comes out to greet the world.
And everyday on Instagram her life looks so complete it's my own personal defeat so I have to forgo all the wheat and retreat like a fat ass sheep BLEAT BLEAT.
And whilst wishing my thighs were petite I order my chicken caesar salad. With dressing on the side.
It's my coworker's birthday! And someone brought an ice cream cake and cookies too.
If I have some I'll totally undo the workout that I just had and all those squats I had to go thru.
Cuz ice cream sticks to my ass like glue and If I have some my diet will TOTALLY be screwed. No, maybe not, maybe not. Maybe if I have just one scoop. No, nary but a teaspoon and if I so daintily and quaintly chew then the calories will go right through me and my ass won't look like a baboon and one of these days I'll look like that cute girl I was in high school. You know why? Cause there's no calories in just half a slice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
But just to be safe for lunch today I'll order a chicken ceasar salad. With dressing on the side.
Ooh that Charlize Theron she is fine. She's like a reflection of the divine, from her hair to her jawline to her boobs to her waistline and she's aging like a fine wine and I can't help but see her face upon the magaZINE when I'm in the grocery store in line.
Look at me. If I weren't quite so bovine then maybe I'd have a valentine. But no. NO. I. I choose to dine on pasta and red wine which redlines my diet especially when booze and carbs combine.
Maybe just once, maybe just once I'll have the strength to deny the cheese and wine and decline the buffet line a second time and just order a CHICKEN FUCKING CAESAR SALAD. With dressing on the side.
Who the hell makes these rules we live by?
All of us, no matter how hard we try, are made to feel like we're so Goddamn ugly.
Till the day we die we feel like crying every time a perfect babe flies by our TV at night. By and by we try to edify these demons inside "you're too tall you're too short you're too fat you're too wide" it's all lies.
Instead of being horrified at the sight of pumpkin pie, instead of glorifying these standards we personify, let's amplify the beauty inside, the quality of our eyes, the fact that we're as strong as samurais.
Let's not deny our personality but rather clarify our minds and face the fears we flee because life would be more carefree if we could just order what we see and eat what we need.
Let's forgo this need to appease the bourgeoisie with the Botox and the rhinoplasty and instead become escapees of the social binds that ensnare you and me.
You and Me.
Provided we reflect the best of humanity
Are of the highest pedigree no matter what we seek to eat.
So.
Let's order the spaghetti, the gnocchi, the tagliatelle, the cherries jubilee the turkey with the gravy and the cranberry and the pumpkin pie and the peach pie and the blueberry pie and the apple pie and the lemon meringue pie and the BOSTON CREAM PIE.
And
A chicken ceasar salad.
With EXTRA dressing on the side.
Chicken Ceasar Salad
My dress are tight
Probably from the bread that I had with dinner last night. STUPID.
That's alright. I'll just dust off that weird maxi dress that I don't like that's that weird shade of off white.
And I know I'll be cold tonight but my jeans are tight and I'll throw a fit tonight if I can't impress the guy that I like and hopefully the lighting will be just right and I know we'll be dining by candlelight and I also know I'll have a massive appetite but I'll probably just end up ordering a chicken caesar salad. With dressing on the side.
Oh look she had her baby! Oh how sweet and that face and those chubby chubby cheeks.
Oh look and mommy's tummy is as flat as a sheet an her ass looks like concrete. How could I ever compete.
If I ever had a baby
My life my job my career all on the backseat all while her perfect body is ready the moment her baby comes out to greet the world.
And everyday on Instagram her life looks so complete it's my own personal defeat so I have to forgo all the wheat and retreat like a fat ass sheep BLEAT BLEAT.
And whilst wishing my thighs were petite I order my chicken caesar salad. With dressing on the side.
It's my coworker's birthday! And someone brought an ice cream cake and cookies too.
If I have some I'll totally undo the workout that I just had and all those squats I had to go thru.
Cuz ice cream sticks to my ass like glue and If I have some my diet will TOTALLY be screwed. No, maybe not, maybe not. Maybe if I have just one scoop. No, nary but a teaspoon and if I so daintily and quaintly chew then the calories will go right through me and my ass won't look like a baboon and one of these days I'll look like that cute girl I was in high school. You know why? Cause there's no calories in just half a slice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
But just to be safe for lunch today I'll order a chicken ceasar salad. With dressing on the side.
Ooh that Charlize Theron she is fine. She's like a reflection of the divine, from her hair to her jawline to her boobs to her waistline and she's aging like a fine wine and I can't help but see her face upon the magaZINE when I'm in the grocery store in line.
Look at me. If I weren't quite so bovine then maybe I'd have a valentine. But no. NO. I. I choose to dine on pasta and red wine which redlines my diet especially when booze and carbs combine.
Maybe just once, maybe just once I'll have the strength to deny the cheese and wine and decline the buffet line a second time and just order a CHICKEN FUCKING CAESAR SALAD. With dressing on the side.
Who the hell makes these rules we live by?
All of us, no matter how hard we try, are made to feel like we're so Goddamn ugly.
Till the day we die we feel like crying every time a perfect babe flies by our TV at night. By and by we try to edify these demons inside "you're too tall you're too short you're too fat you're too wide" it's all lies.
Instead of being horrified at the sight of pumpkin pie, instead of glorifying these standards we personify, let's amplify the beauty inside, the quality of our eyes, the fact that we're as strong as samurais.
Let's not deny our personality but rather clarify our minds and face the fears we flee because life would be more carefree if we could just order what we see and eat what we need.
Let's forgo this need to appease the bourgeoisie with the Botox and the rhinoplasty and instead become escapees of the social binds that ensnare you and me.
You and Me.
Provided we reflect the best of humanity
Are of the highest pedigree no matter what we seek to eat.
So.
Let's order the spaghetti, the gnocchi, the tagliatelle, the cherries jubilee the turkey with the gravy and the cranberry and the pumpkin pie and the peach pie and the blueberry pie and the apple pie and the lemon meringue pie and the BOSTON CREAM PIE.
And
A chicken ceasar salad.
With EXTRA dressing on the side.
