October 18th

Yeah Yeah I still remember The night before Went to a show With my man jerome Then tiny creations Said I am not crazy But that night was crazy I think the Hennessy phased me I hit Michelle She didn't answer I'm lit as hell so I couldn't blame her Full of emotion that all woulda came out Shoulda stayed home don't know why I came out Momma not home she stayed with my father Hospital fronted but shoutout the doctor Home by 11 it took me a hour Fell asleep right after takin a shower Next thing I know it's like 1:49 Phone started ringing I'm worried inside I missed the call So I called her back Momma just sayin they worried bout dad Doctor was sayin don't leave her alone She shouldn't have to do this on her own Ma said don't worry she callin my bro I said I'm comin then hung up the phone Started to panic Then I got so frantic My mind started racin Im startin to feel manic Got dressed but ain't move I feel like a mannequin Tryna be strong and feel like a man again But I need handlin Cause I can't handle it Got to the cab Can't find where the handle is Got to the hospital Started to stare at it Get it together and go where yo parents is Got to the room No one's aware Pops so sedated I don't feel he there Momma said hi then knocked in the chair Doctor just told me he glad that I'm here Ya dad finally restin but he was so restless I looked in his eyes and could tell that he cared Was so reassuring I needed assurance assure you that moment was better than air Sat to the side Stared at my mom Looked at the ceiling like everything wrong I'm Feelin so drained I felt for my chain Im grabbin my cross I'm talkin to god God What are you doin? I Really ain't feelin the way that you moving. It's been seven days and I see no improvement. If you really love us I need you to prove it I feel like I'm losin I feel ima lose it I had it together now it's boutta loosen I heard you be healin I need you to do it Just need you to do it Uh Looked at my phone the hours was passin It's bout to be 7 not bein dramatic Tried watchin a sitcom But I couldn't sit calm And really ain't think it's the time to be laughin I'm feelin so anxious I need a distraction I need interaction not overreactin And right when I thought I was headed to work I got underground when another thing happened My momma called me She cryin while speakin The doc said he leavin I couldn't believe it So I called sabrina and I started screamin I can't come to work and she said take it easy It isn't that easy Im strugglin breathin My eyes gettin watery I'm barely seein I wanted an Uber but i ain't receive it It's so inconvenient when I really need it I'm back on the train They rattled my brain I'm out of my mind I'm goin insane Got so much to lose And nothin to gain I'm hopin and praying again and again Uh I called my brother like we gotta go He on the way and he said that he know I hit my sister she said that she close I know my aunt probably doin the most Back at hospital doctors is talkin Tellin us we ain't got too many options My aunt interrupted you need to be blunt They took a deep breath With all of us watching We do not see mr Hayes gettin better So Make your arrangements the sooner the better We've done all we can delayed and delayed If I'm being honest its hours or days And Right in that moment I'm stuck in a daze The memories flood me and to start to replay I'm thinking of all the things I never said I'm full of emotion my eyes turnin red The hours it's flyin it's bout to be noon My aunt took a walk for some coffee or food My bro took a call but he not in the mood And Izzy just hit me on Instagram too I looked at my phone then back at my pops Then looked at my sister then everything stopped I looked at the clock it's 12 on the dot We called for the nurse my mothers distraught The doctor came runnin then called for some more My pops ain't respondin man what's goin on Now I'm full of anger I'm bangin the door My family spread out all over this floor I tried to pretend like you know I would I Lied to my mana like mama we good They said let it out like they all understood I'm questioning everything I ever could I'll leave it right there but these thoughts never leave I'm lettin it out cause it's somethin for me I know everyday is a day that I grieve I still can't believe I still can't believe I'll leave it right there but these thoughts never leave I'm lettin it out cause it's somethin for me I know everyday is a day that I grieve I still can't believe October 18th