Motive

Dear Will Olenyik, I'm sorry that I'm late I know the way you think of me, I'm hoping that can change I been going through it I hope that you can't relate You almost never got this letter at all, it was a close one From these problems that I never could solve, now I got no one I got a lot of grudges to hold, and you can hold one And I don't have a reason to live, so I just wrote one I was 15 and I needed a name to go by I fell in love with music now music don't pay me no mind I called my homegirl, she came up with the shit in no time And she came up with Ceo and it finally stuck But if you think ya know this story ya don't, but you're about to Months later shit got heated between us And then she said that's why ya Ceo, cuz what ya say I can't outdo She said you always take it too far I drank so much I can't remember what I said That's the last time that we spoke Weeks later she was dead I just need for her to know I'm forever in ya debt If I knew I wouldn't let What was said get me upset If I knew her death was comin Then at least we'd still be friends, right What happens next became my biggest regret I fuckin chose to make it rhyme and exploit everything I go through You have no clue it ain't easy to stop, I thought the same Til I found out that it's my only way to cope so it's not, so all the weight That you been hearing in my music all this time I hear is saving people's lives, it's ruining mine, years go by I'm 18 and living with my coach Offers on the table from hooping I'm in my zone Still making music he said to leave it alone I said I couldn't do it cuz that was my way to cope I viewed him as a father figure so we would talk about life shit He could see that I started to act different I came to him for guidance, I said I might have a drinking problem And then he kicked me off the team and had me blacklisted He told every school that offered I ain't worth the risk And called me a fuckin junkie, right in front of my mother They ain't make the playoffs I could tell he knew why Cuz all he had to do was help, instead he pushed me aside, but I still got a full ride I fell in love in Baton Rouge and her friends took advantage of me They put something in her drink because she never gets drunk And to this day I can't explain why I would make her switch cups I fucking hated Long Islands, I hate the way they tasted I even chased it then I woke up to my face getting fucked up She's crying and punchin me screaming how the fuck could you cheat I couldn't say a word cuz I was throwing up blood And everyone I told about it thought I made the shit up Like it didn't happen to guys, I'm just unfaithful as fuck I had a tolerance to benzos it was more than familiar And if we didn't switch cups I know that shit would've killed her It fucked me up, so I went and drank the pain away I can't even view sex the same way today It's a topic I avoid, I would fuck just to fill a void I went home and shit got worse on the day to day Mama kicked me out cuz my vices became a crisis Then shit went left I don't think I should talk about it I saw brains on the floor, and let the trauma take over Went to rehab and somehow I stayed sober, I think I know why Maybe it's because everyone in my unit died Either from a fuckin overdose or suicide 22 People and I'm the one who made it out I had a way to cope so then I made it rhyme 2 Years go by and I met a woman And at the time she loved me in ways that everyone couldn't Summer 2019, we took a trip down to Florida And on the drive I got some news that no one should get One of my closest friends went and hung himself at a birthday party And then my best friend cut him down from the noose He had 2 kids and I won't speak about the mother Cuz I know he wouldn't want me to do it, I got you covered I promise I was on vacation fuckin stressing Makin every fucking person who was there do daily check ins Askin questions, making sure that they won't follow him out I can't afford a chance to grieve and not be strong for them now, that was the mindset And I put it in the music, but I never released it I wish I knew I didn't have a lot of time left I ain't think she'd leave, but I know that I gave her reasons Let me clear this up just to let you know where my mind went, shit I ran back to my way to cope I was in the whip just fucking jotting and taking notes It's hard to write when every page is soaked, I never felt this way before That's when I saw my way to cope was always self harm I promise that it's worse when it ain't physical Imagine thinking what would always save ya life just so happened to be what's killing You Mental illness plotting against you tryna get rid of you And if you had a story like mine, you would've did it too I mean, that's what I'd like to believe I wrote the plan in my psychiatrist's office thought it was flawless I made a will as I divide my belongings I saw it's not the coward's way out, it might be the strongest And there's a stigma that it's selfish, but that wasn't the case I've been a burden all my life, what's wrong with losing some weight? forreal But after all the planning that I did It didn't work out, and I should feel lucky to be alive, right You would think I'm in grave danger But the danger ain't the grave, the danger's who I became It's hard to give perspective, no one looks at me the same And I ain't taking shit from nobody except the blame But I been holding it together I been trying my best And if I ever did ya dirty that's cuz I was a mess, yeah The music was always a cry for help But ever since the day I should've died I haven't cried since