The Night I Battled Krampus

It was late in the night one mid-December It was almost Christmas Eve if I remember it right And I was sleepin' tight tucked away in my bed When I woke up to a noise echo in my head It was two big hooves and some rattling chains comin' in from outside through the window panes So I jumped up out of bed like what was that I ran outside with a baseball bat I went out on the lawn with a Louisville Slugger Hopin' to god that it was just a mugger But he was eight feet tall without even tryin Covered in fur with a mane like a lion And he had a flame in his eyes he had breath like the dead And two big horns comin' outta his head And a basket on his back was full of little kids Trapped inside by a wicker lid I said what the hell man, let those kids go free You wanna take another step, you gotta go through me I took one swing, he grabbed the bat from my hands Broke it in his grip and said you don't understand You're out of your depth, and way out of your league I've been snatchin' up brats since a million BC There's never been a mortal who could handle my game Hell is my home, and Krampus is my name He spoke an ancient word from a faraway land And a broken piece of bat became a mic in his hand And a sick trap beat came out of thin air With a deep bassline and a reverb snare He turned the mic on and said I'll tell you what we'll do We'll have a little battle, me versus you The one who lasts longer walks away with the brats Should be easy for you if you think you're all that He threw the mic at me and said "Ladies first If you think you got it then show me your worst I'm like listen dude that's just a little bit pathetic Pickin' on kids, and bein' unapologetic Why don't You pick on someone your own size, 'cause that's a factor Or someone your own smarts, like, maybe a tractor If ignorance were bliss you would be orgasmic If you could get your breath out my face that'd be fantastic Why don't you let those kids go that you illegally took Bein' a stranger danger at night is never a good look Holiday times should be about magic, see Pretty whack that you're tryina make them about tragedy There's already a hairy dude runnin' this holiday You couldn't handle a candle to Santa, not even on your best day Make an exit, nobody's buyin' what you're sellin' Jack Crawl back in your hole, and don't you ever think of comin' back The demon grinned and took the mic in his claw The night got cold and he opened his mouth and he gave a roar He said look at you, you little mortal, you're way too uppity I'm not your average savage, G, I'm older than eternity I'm the reason the freezin' season has a sense of mystery My pretty face in every place and every time throughout history Little brats aren't scared of coal anymore Spare the rod and spoil the child, That's what my switch is for I beat the little brats, extracting karmic recompenses Without me there'd be no negative consequences Little brats runnin' around bein' wild You should know, I remember when you were just a little child Little snot running around, at all hours of the night Gettin' into trouble with underage drinkin' and gettin' into fights But this is a fight you'll never have a chance of winning I'm a force of nature Dawg, I'm the price of all your sinning There was nothin' I could do His flow was too sick and his rhymes were pretty sick too I thought it was over, I thought that he had won But then in tiny voices a holiday song had begun Silent night, holy night All is calm, all is bright The little kids in Krampus' basket had started to sing And in the darkness their voices were inspiring The holiday spirit in each of their hearts, and the demon wailed His basket turned to ash in a flash, and the children bailed Defeated and beaten Krampus vanished in a puff of smoke The kids were no longer bad, and the spell on them was broke Christmas spirit saved me and the kids from peril So if you ever run into Krampus, remember to sing a carol Don't forget to carry holiday spirit in your heart again Wish peace on earth and good will towards women and men Forget about who got what for who, and how much it cost Don't worry about black ice and car trouble and frost Take some time, do good for people who need it Give till it hurts, volunteer till you're bleeding There's so many reasons to be sad on the holidays Be a light for others so they can find their own way Through the darkest of the Solstices, and into the dawn With a newfound hope and the strength to carry on Try to do good for others this year, don't act up or whine And Krampus will find some other kids, and you'll be fine And if all else fails, try a battle with the Beast Grab a mic in your hand and go down rhyming at least Like the night I battled Krampus and almost lost too But I was saved by Christmas spirit, and I swear that it's true