It's Probably a Passat TBH

Woke up got out of bed got dressed, walked down the steps Can you ask anymore of me? I take a deep breath and walk away With the best intentions for today Last night I had too much to drink, couldn't think Spent a little too much time over the sink Called this girl I liked a bitch, but I didn't mean it There was doubt in her eyes Man you should've seen it Walked on home, well as far as I could Took a wrong turn in the wrong hood I was up to no good Was late for my train Tomorrow was today Man, there's gotta be a better way There's gotta be a better way Than taking this New Jersey Train Always in danger of being late There's gotta be a better way Do you remember the first spider man Where the spider man had a itsy bitsy spider plan To make Mary Jane Watson a spider fan? To get himself a car by winning five grand? Where Peter Parker wanted to become a Peter Driver So he signed up to win some cash as a cage fighter? (I didn't sign up for a cage match!) Whoops, my mistake but anyway That's my play, gotta get there, anywhere like yesterday Get myself an Escalade So I can get extra laid Just kidding Flash forward to the present day But not like Christmas, which is a present day (get it?) My friend pulled up, rolled down the windows he said 'Hey man' He told me to get in, we're going out He saw a ride that he heard about by word of mouth Was it a Beemer, a Honda or a Prius? A brand new Ford, or an old used Kia? He told me to settle down Because I was getting loud I said hey man I only want the best He said well I think it's a Passat to be honest So we pulled up to the seller's home Grass was cut short like a circumcised gnome Knocked on the door Knocked on the door again Knocked on the door one mor Alright alright, will you stop knocking All this noise upsetting my dachshund You here about the car? I got a lot of bidders But here's some things that you oughta consider The Power steering rack leaks Disappearing back seats Undersized front brakes Liquefied rum cakes Ferrets in the glove box It's where I had my sex talk Somethings wrong with the coils Been ten years since I changed the oil Timing issues, false start Used up tissues, children's art Muffler cracked a mile back Horn sounds like a duck attack Heat is broken in the winter Never home in time for dinner These old tires need inflating Caught my brother masturbating I'm sorry, what? Oh yeah, I haven't pumped up these tires in a long time I only want ten grand, what do you say? You could think about it, come back another d I'll take it! Oh, okay Got my new ride gonna take it outside For a spin, like a Beyblade let it rip on Sunday Picking up some chicks Hopefully they drive stick Let's turn this on ramp into a get off ramp The boy scout in my pants (pants) Is busy setting up his camp (camp) Didn't see the red light, speeding by With a semi gonna hit the semi coming up ahead Oh shoot Threw up in a car crash Call me Wreck-it Ralph Ran through the red light Though I don't know how Am I dead? Better check my head Dick is fine, now to check my other head Should've gotten the crash tested Hyundai Guess I'm on the train, like Jimmy Buffett's Come Monday