(scripts) Monty Python And The Holy Grail

The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]): KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman PATSY : Terry Gilliam GUARD #1 : Michael Palin GUARD #2 : John Cleese MORTICIAN : Eric Idle CUSTOMER : John Cleese DEAD PERSON : ??? DENNIS : Michael Palin WOMAN : Terry Jones BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese (?) VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones WITCH : ??? VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese NARRATOR: Michael Palin SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle GOD : ??? FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese MINSTREL : ??? LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin FATHER : Michael Palin PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones GUARD #1 : Eric Idle GUARD #2 : ??? CONCORDE : Eric Idle OLD CRONE : ??? ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin Scene 1 [wind] [clop clop] ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop] GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! GUARD #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory? ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! GUARD #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop] GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? GUARD #2: Well, why not? Scene 2 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. [clop clop] MORTICIAN: Who's that then? CUSTOMER: I don't know. MORTICIAN: Must be a king. CUSTOMER: Why? MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. Scene 3 [clop clop] ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'. DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'. ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.' DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN: King of the who? ARTHUR: The Britons. WOMAN: Who are the Britons? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN: No one live there. ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? WOMAN: We don't have a lord. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your king! WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shu