You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant Walk right in, it's around the back Just a half a mile from the railroad track You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant This song is called "Alice's Restaurant "It's about Alice, and the Restaurant, but "Alice's Restaurant" is not the name of the restaurant, That's just the name of the song That's why I call the song "Alice's Restaurant." Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, two years ago, on Thanksgiving, When my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant But Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the church nearby the Restaurant, in the bell tower with her husband Ray and Facha, the dog And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of room downstairs Where the pews used to be, and havin' all that room (seein' as how they took Out all the pews), they decided that they didn't have to take out their Garbage for a long time. We got up here and found all the garbage in there and we decided that it'd Be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump So we took the half-a-ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW Microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, and headed On toward the city dump. Well, we got there and there was a big sign and a Chain across the dump sayin', "this dump is closed on Thanksgiving," and We'd never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in Our eyes, we drove off into the sunset lookin' for another place to put the garbage We didn't find one till we came to a side road, and off the side of the side Road was another fifteen-foot cliff, and at the bottom of the cliff was Another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than Two little piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw Ours down. That's what we did Drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, Went to sleep, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone Call from Officer Obie. He said, "kid, we found your name on a envelope at The bottom of a half a ton of garbage and I just wanted to know if you had Any information about it" And I said, "yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope Under that garbage." After speakin' to Obie for about forty-five minutes on The telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said That we had to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and Speak to him at the Police Officer Station. So we got in the red VW microbus With the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on Toward the Police Officer Station Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could've done at The Police Officer Station, and the first was that he could've given us a Medal for bein' so brave and honest on the telephone (which wasn't very Likely, and we didn't expect it), and the other thing was that he could've Bawled us out and told us never to be seen drivin' garbage around in the Vicinity again, which is what we expected But when we got to the Police Officer Station, there was a third possibility That we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both immediately arrested, Handcuffed, and I said, "Obie, I can't pick up the garbage with these here Handcuffs on." He said "shut up kid, and get in the back of the patrol car" And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car, and drove to The quote scene of the crime unquote I want to tell you 'bout the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this is Happenin'. They got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police Car, but when we got to the scene of the crime, there was five police Officers and three police cars, bein' the biggest crime of the last fifty Years and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin' Around the Police Officer Station. They was takin' plaster tire tracks, Footprints, dog-smellin' prints and they took twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored Glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of Each one explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against us Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the Southwest corner And that's not to mention the aerial photography! After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was gonna put us in a cell He said "kid, I'm gonna put you in a cell I want your wallet and your belt" I said, "Obie, I can understand your wantin' my wallet, so I don't have any Money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?" and he said "Kid, we don't want any hangin's I said, "Obie, did you think I was gonna Hang myself for litterin'?" Obie said he was makin' sure, and, friends, Obie was, 'cause he took out the Toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took Out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll the toilet paper out The window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was makin' sure It was about four or five hours later that Alice (remember Alice? There's a song about Alice) Alice came by and, with a few nasty words to Obie on the Side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back to the church, had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next Morning, when we all had to go to court. We walked in, sat down, Obie came In with the twenty-seven 8 times 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and Arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down Man came in, said, "All rise!" We all stood up, and Obie stood up with the Twenty-seven 8 times 10 colored glossy pictures, and the judge walked in, sat Down, with a seein' eye dog and he sat down. We sat down Obie looked at the seein' eye dog then at the twenty-seven 8 x 10 Colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the Back of each one and looked at the seein' eye dog and then at The twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows And a paragraph on the back of each on and began to cry Because Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American Blind justice, and there wasn't nothin' he could do about it, and the judge Wasn't gonna look at the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures with The circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explainin' What each one was, to be used as evidence against us And we was fined fifty dollars and had to pick up the garbage in the snow But that's not what I'm here to tell you about I'm here to talk about the draft They got a buildin' down in New York City called Whitehall Street, where you Walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected! I went down and got my physical examination one day, and I walked in, sat Down (got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning, 'cause I wanted to look like the All-American Kid From New York City. I wanted to feel like I wanted to be the All-american Kid from New York), and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down Brung down, hung up and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things And I walked in, I sat down, they gave me a piece of paper that said "Kid See the psychiatrist in room 604" I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I want to kill! I want to see Blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth! Eat dead, burnt bodies! I Mean Kill. Kill!" And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin' "KILL! Kill!" and he started Jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down, yellin' "Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!" and the sergeant came over, pinned
Written by: ARLO GUTHRIE
Lyrics © CONCORD MUSIC PUBLISHING LLC
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