Regrets

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yANNy

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I'm tossing n turning
My thoughts has just worsen
Everyday I'm acting tough
Put a mask how I fronting
Yet inside the mind
My coldest eyes
I'm really the softest
Past the seven years
Of my career
The f*ck even happened
Was it trauma I grew up with
Bullied from first to fifth
Remembering just made me nauseous
How they push n pull
Like my workouts in the morning
Want to let it go
But my brain got enough storage
Play it back when I relax
Sleeping in
Alarm clocks don't wake me anymore
Too much melatonin
Cup of Joe don't wake me anymore
Got a lot of deep regrets
The only ones when I'm in bed
How did I fell in love
Was it I who fucked it up
It's a long story
Met her when I transferred
Welcome me I thanked her
Never left my mind
She had stuck with me
Fantasize a bit
But I stopped it
Devil working me
Want it to be love
Not for lust
Don't twist my vision please
We were both very different
I was nerd n music driven
She was books n mad religious
I was like the f*ck I'm doing
Near the drugs my homies smoking
Almost got myself influenced
My soberness only last
Grade 8 when I smoked some hash
I wasn't soul searching
Way too busy school learning
Had it in my mind for while
Told myself a lie
I got plenty time
Wish my expectations weren't so high
A lot of lessons starting freshman
Matured over time
(Static)
"Care for me" my friend has message
Diagnosed severe depression
Pray to God to lend my blessings
For my friend is most important
In the world
Been together when we like 10 years old
Lion dancing shows
Several years called him my big bro
He fought and struggled on the daily
Waiting on my phone for his texts I was ready
Playing games chat away from heavy thoughts
Busy mentally
I ponder if I helped
Way too busy shooting enemies
Sophomore year he hospitalized
Took some pills n shots of wine
Regret I didn't to see him but I didn't have a car to drive
Too busy studying for my classes homework take a while
Varsity wrestling made me starve to cut the weigh to fight
Pressure began to piling up
He got discharged but didn't talk
End up by myself
Needed help
Who the f*ck would come
I was independent
Ain't dependent
With the friends I love
Acting calm collected
Hella stressing
What I really was
Im home with tears in my eyes
Realized I was a hopeless fool
Thinking bout the time my friends and I
Hanging out of school
I sit there listening
Thinking about their topic
Try hop in but get neglected
Feel like a ghost in their presence
I'm like
The f*ck is my purpose
I'm feeling so worthless
Can't maintain my GPA
Despite in honors for courses
Parents still working
Pressure still cooking
My base was breaking down
Everything was crumbling
My motivation dwindling
I started giving up
Woke up feeling out of touch
Everyday drive myself away to the Capron Park
Contemplate should I die today wonder who will call
Phone can ring all this silence bring more than what I want
I said F*ck it
Remember the girl that I mention
Spent a few days chatting gathering enough courage
End up told she was taken
How my heart of was so broken
I hold this feeling while working
Push it back how it surface
F*ck this world
I'm sorry if I wasn't enough
To everyone that I know I'ma miss you a lot
In reverse it won't be true
End up in the morning news
How many will care for me
Once this bullet goes through

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