Hiding

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Jaha Zainabu

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There's a lot of hiding
There's a lot of pretending to be ok
There's a lot of debating about whether or not
The meds have ever done any good
There's a lot of needing to do something with your fingers
There's a lot of crying
There just is
There's a lot of not being able to explain to anyone around you
How the sadness weighs a ton
Or what the tears are for anyway
And so
There's a lot of hiding
There's a lot of wanting to reach out but then
What would you say that you haven't said before

There's a lot of knowing that this is not the right time
To break down
To sleep that final sleep
There's a lot of wanting to explode
There's very little rest
There's too much sleep
There's a lot of time
Time
Time time
Time to remember all the time
There's a lot of time to count
There's a lot of counting
There's a lot of rushing past mirrors
There are a lot of covers on the floor
There are a lot of clothes on the floor
There are books on the floor
There is very little cleaning up
There is a lot of wanting to be able to sleep
There are so many hours going by so slowly

There are so many weird awake dreams
About flying
About rats
About mice
About fires
About hands
There is a lot of being afraid to go to sleep
Because there are so many monsters
There are all these fingers
Moving fingers
There's a lot of wanting to stop writing
Poetry
Stories
Words
Musings
Blogs
Stuff
Stuff stuff
Journal entries
Letters
Email

There's a lot of wanting all the stuff off the floor
There's a lot of wanting help
There's little asking for it
There's no desire to go into the hospital again
There is a need to
There's all this this
There's all this that
There's all this
Down down down down
There is all this smile
When someone says how are you
There's all this I am ok
There's all this nowhere to look
There is all this want to change the furniture
There is no energy to do it
There is all this want to tie yourself up
There is all this staring at stuff
At pills
At plants
At photos
At pills
Pills

There is all this talking to yourself
There is all this knowing that this is the wrong time to leave
There is all the nothing to say
There is all the wanting to say something
There is all this wanting it to go away
There is all this knowing it won't
There is all this wanting

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