Violence

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DISMAL SHADOW

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Don't test me though, I don't mean it in a violent way
I am trying to enter the scene as a rapper, an MC it's my day
Being the outcast is my biggest achievement
If you don't know me then congratulations I hope you mean it
These inner thoughts are trying to kill inside and force me to do all sorts of things
I tell myself to never give in for there is still more work to be done at my brink
Nothing less nothing more than to try and take care of myself before I harm myself
Speaking of which have I just questioned whether I hate myself?
Life is my everything, but it also takes my soul
Death is my everything but it also takes my goals
I don't want to die yet at least I don't think
I think I want to live I want to live give me a time to think
I am not a drug addict though I like to keep it clean and real
Water is my drink of choice to keep me stable so I can still feel
What it feels like to be a human and warm
Instead of being full of dread and sadness, oh wait, I am both of those
I don't feel great at all
I think I'm so small
Take me away from this pain
I think nobody will care anyway
Life is full of dreadful circumstances
Time is of the essence
Never try and save me
This will be my ending

Quiet, I am thinking
Violence is so twisted
Burning me alive
Violence keeps me to survive

Now I have no lover at all and I blame myself for everything that I did
Writing letters to my love is something, I regret it
Feeling down because of no good response from one of them
Why does this feeling still get to me then?
I never wanted this, this is my story
I can never tell what is honest for me
I feel I am just hypocritical
This is the life so typical
Leave it alone and let it burn away
The fire will take care of you and then engulf you in the flames
I think I am better alone
I deserve no love
No love should ever come to me
I might die an old man
I might be one of those wise old men who live all by themselves and die alone
I feel so bad and I am crying
Guess I am just negative to myself all the time
This makes me think I am just stupid and depressed, I try
Behaviourally, I notice I avoid people, having that social phobia is not great at all
I am feeling exhausted I just want to fall
Why do this to me dismal shadow?
Why kill me?
Please just try loving yourself
You can do it, I know you can
You must believe in yourself
You have to do that, you understand

Quiet, I am thinking
Violence is so twisted
Burning me alive
Violence keeps me to survive

Having a sibling who suffered I can't even begin to imagine
Smoking all that weed took him out of this world and placed him into an abyss of sadness
I can't even begin to feel his emotions, it's bad enough
Assaulting he has done before, but it wasn't him it was the demon inside
That demon telling him to defeat himself and kill himself
He has been betrayed too many times that he fed the demon, he is trying to be selfless
Losing everything he had, whether it's friends or partners or integrity
He got instead that depression, addiction and that ADHD
I can understand since I got similar things too
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and having a low mood
My father's side of family have a long history of depression
It was no surprise that those burdens passed down to his children
He is blameless in this matter, so is my sibling
He is an inspiration in my life, he is one of the reasons why I am living
He gave me advice and helped me through my suicide
Even though he might have been violent to me sometimes, I have to forgive
He will be better I hope, I will hope he wants to live
He deserves to live close to our grandmother in Colombia, Doña Marlene
Because she is the only friend he has got its so depressing
I hope he has a good life and is better
Because all I want is for him, to be the older brother that is always better
I think he needs to be proud and pat himself on the back
Confidence is something that both of us have lacked
I am pretty sure he will one day find the the life that he wanted in his dreams
One day when he dies an old man, his soul, peacefully be released

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