Artisan Beard

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The Lowest of Low

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So I was at work, right?
And this guy comes in
And before I can even say, you know, well, anything
He says to me
That's quite an artisan beard you've got there

Just out of nowhere, and not even ironic
So, I was totally offended, and I think he could tell
But I played it off, and just said
What would you like to order today?

So he orders his latte or whatever, and just stands there
And I'm thinking, is this going to turn into something
Because it's a real pain, you know?
But it's real early still, and no one else comes in
So I can't really tell him to go sit down

And he kind of, you can tell he's trying to backtrack
And he says
That's a complement, you know
An artful beard

Like, I dunno, I could be growing beards
And selling them on fricking Etsy or something
But I just kind of laughed
Yeah, don't worry, I said

But then he's still standing there
Watching me make his drink, and I think
What's with this guy, is it the artisan beard?
So I say
Don't you usually get a latte and lemon cake?

And he smiles
And I think, well maybe we just got off on the wrong foot
But pfft, whatever, who cares, right?
That lemon cake is terrible, it's full of chemicals
Which was maybe dumb to tell him
But I already noticed a long time before this
That he's got these really, seriously amazing plugs
So I kind of change tack
How long did it take you to get those plugs?
I ask him
Because, you know, he's just still standing there
Not unpleasant, but it's still a little weird

Four years
He tells me

Wow, that takes dedication, you know?
I tell him.
They're really impressive

And then it hits me
They were impressive, like my artisan beard
Artisan!
I say, and kind of smile
So then we're both just standing there and smiling
It was weird, like if anyone else came in just then
But it was nice, you know?
And it kind of got me thinking
Dedication
Artful
Artisan

And I kind of thought about what else I could be doing in my life
Like, I don't even know
But maybe something beard-related

So yeah!
We've been together now for just over six months
And it's going good
It's going really good

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