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BabiLotus

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There were moments when I would look at my wrist trying to decide if it was time to watch them bleed
I was ready to go
I just wanted my soul to sep through my pores and finally let go
I was tired
I was broken
I was devastated
The fire had burned me that time
And I smelt like smoke...
There weren't enough ashes to rise
My Phoenix wings had been cut from the root of its bones
I just wanted to be left alone
This wasn't sadness I felt
It was numbness

Paralyzed in agony ... I was experiencing my first heart break
I mean ... the literal tearing of the strings of my heart ...
Broken and not just ripped into two
There were many pieces of my heart torn apart in my own hands
Because that's how you gave it back to me
You didn't even care to dress it up to make it look like it was curable or had the chance to even be repaired
Because presentation was never important to you
And even with the blood of my heart on your hands
You still felt nothing...
...While I felt everything...
I felt the pain of my own and the grief that should have fallen from your eyes at the fact that we even made it to that point in the first place
But no...you just looked at your hands, washed them, and wished me well...
I cried more than the sky when it poured rain
Flipping my pillow was useless
Because both sides were constantly filled from the wetness of my tears reminding me that I am still here and the pain still lives

I knew this could not have been love when anxiety became my best friend...
It held me tighter than you did ever did
It gave me more butterflies than the amount of times I've seen you smile when you looked at me
How is it possible that anxiety has loved me greater than you ever attempted to?
I had rather allowed anxiety to increase the pace of my breathes than watch you surrender yourself in regret because this isn't what you imagined us to be
You think I wanted you to feel resentment towards me?
I tried, tried to give my best and give you everything I knew you needed
Or have you forgotten all that I have sacrificed?
...let me remind you ...

I apologized for reasons I had to make up just so you can feel the right in your wrongs
I stood up for you when the one you chose instead of me looked down to you
I held your face in the palm of my hand and apologized with my eyes for all of those who made the mistake and didn't love you the right way
I breath for you... when you closed your airways
I stitched every broken promise back together just so you can believe in words again
I was your testimonial that good people do exist
I kissed your hand ever so softly so you could understand that comfort is in arms reach
You never had to hide yourself from me
But you were too addicted to your trauma to know
That I was everything you talked about when you sent up your prayers to the heavens.

In reality, I committed myself to a relationship that was never meant to manifest
All because the idea of what you could have been to me was greater than what was being Given
I can't even count on my hands how many times I planned out my life with you
I literally formulated a whole life with you and replaced it with the reality that was right in Front of me
Blindly...you became my Judas, betrayed me with a kiss and then walked away with Another
And just like Peter, you denied me...when it was time to profess your love for me
 
But you didn't leave me empty handed ... you returned what was most precious to me ...
Fragile as it may had been ... my heart still had a rhythm... off tempo but still it beats ... Weak as it may had been ... it still fought to live because it knew it had returned home...

Tell me ... how are you living without me so graciously
When I am struggling with all of the insecurities that you have planted in my mind
And you water them everyday with every smile that is stretched across your face Knowing that I'm not your reason anymore ...

I admit... I sometimes lack the ability to illustrate the beautiful illusion of irreplaceable Self-love while at the same time struggling to remain inclusive with the things that are Out out my control
...and loving you was one
...I could not command my love for you to cease

I fixed you and broke myself
I put my heart on the shelf
Just to give you more space to be a part of me
I forced my love language to match yours
Yeah they were opposite...but they often say things like that attract but I guess that Never happened with you

I allowed my soul to leave my body for you
There I stood lifeless
Holding my chest as it began to cave in
I had rather not get my hopes up about feeling alive because I knew when it was time to Say clear
And you had to use love as the electric current to ignite my awakening - I knew it would Never be enough because your frequency was too low...

My love didn't deserve someone who confidently looked me in my eyes and boldly said, "I love you"
Then turned around and act as if my love was a mistake

The same eyes that you
Gazed into saying, "I love you"
Are the same eyes that were clouded
Seeing you walk away as if
You forgot what my love looked like
When "I love you" first left your lips

Saying "I love you" is not an experiment
It should never be used for the entrapment
Of ones presence and space
So, to the next love that thinks loving me is the best love that you will ever experience... when you tell me you love me...
...mean that shit
...my heart can not afford another trauma bonding experience
Love me true ...
Love me strong ...
Love me free ...
Love me unconditionally...
Or...just don't love me at all...
...my heart is home and it will not be moved carelessly ...
Because... now I got to love me enough for me ...

And to the broken parts of me
You don't have to mend so quickly
I actually like the feeling
Of my heart split in two
It is a reminder that I am still human
And that I am not invincible
I am still fragile
So, stay broken for a while
Heal with time ...
Because healing is truly never ending
Every obstacle sparks a new beginning
And that is how your story never ends
But only until the day you ascend
But while you're here...
Take advantage of how you feel
Embrace your brokenness
Never fear it ...
Because ...It'll only make you appreciate the joy that is near ...
...I'm on my way ...
...no more attachments... I'm free

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