Loner's Remorse

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A.J. Throwback

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Yeah
If you're listening to this right now
And I didn't reach out consistently enough
Please accept this as my apology
Indulge me
If I had the choice of warm welcomes as the life of the party
And the shadows as an introvert
I'd pray to God Chuck Noland come strolling with a volleyball in tow
See the shortest strand and pick it first
Pictured my whole class pressed to flood my momma house for ice cream and cake
So they could chill and know I'm really dope
But aspirations as the Mitchell Goings sequel was a silly hope
I was so shy as a cub, thought my curse was from a Billy Goat
Acting out, couldn't comprehend my parents splitting up
Gave my mom a hard time for giving up
Add the ridicule of when a brother cried
Cruel kids forced my hand like having twelve and praying a Jack ain't on the other side
Honor roll, but in Swagger 101, hella dumb
Kindness kills? (Pish) Whatever bruh, I had a pellet gun
Another torn Achilles of naïveté
Got so used to riding pine, in time, felt no need to play
Trying to develop in these dark rooms
But I made it hard for folks to picture me
Harshness of the world left my heart bruised
But a life in solitude wasn't meant for me
Island to myself's the most comfortable resort
Was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse
Yeah
I was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse
Went from Oxon Hill to Oxon Run where kids were sitting ducks
Them Ward 8 streets were critical
So before I fell asleep at night, I was reinvented through pretending
More intrepid and invincible
Didn't have the cash for canvases, so my imaginings were magnified
Through the massive stacks of printer paper
Give me a ruler, pencils, mailing tape and markers, had a young Black MacGyver
All the makings of an innovator
"So Ma, I'll eat my dinner later," a constant hogwashing of my options
5 o'clock, not on the block, was nonchalant in my responses
And poor Mike, people often thought he was an only child
So it's either kids and concrete or be a lonely child
He admired me beyond what I could comprehend
But when he tried to infiltrate, I shoved him off again
Faulting him as if he's all the causes of my awkwardness
All my withdrawals didn't add up to a lot of sense
Trying to develop in these dark rooms
But I made it hard for folks to picture me
Harshness of the world left my heart bruised
But a life in solitude wasn't meant for me
Island to myself's the most comfortable resort
Was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse
Yeah
I was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse
Since I could talk, the thing I love best has dual edges in its weaponry
Find deserted islands through the messages and the melodies
Meticulous, amazed with nuances
For days, happy feelings, found a maze to get lost in
Escaped through the options: trains, glued to Walkmen
Syncing up my gear 'till they're the same, grooves locked in
But as the soundscape matured, so did people
Problem was got hard trusting folks would not expose their evil
Either that or disappoint me
Used the tunes to drown their claims of enjoying me
Bammas avoided me so long, I got defensive, put a fence up like I'm Herculean
Missed a slew of barbecues, birthdays, perfect evenings
All the "hit me ups" and "keep in touches"
Turned to families as we watched a hundred months leave our clutches
Disgusted, the barb which hurt the most, so profound
Best buddy told his momma, "Nah, that dude don't come around", dang
Maybe that's why I was voted boy who's out of tune
Had my head up in the clouds, but life is not balloons
Though I thrive from this energy within
God responded to my pleas, swapped my frenemies with kin
So forgive me if my hugs might come across as ji invasive
The undisputed truth: I come alive with smiling faces
So what I must remember in my sessions for perfections
The wire's less effective when I've severed my connections
Blessings
Trying to develop in these dark rooms
But I made it hard for folks to picture me
Harshness of the world left my heart bruised
But a life in solitude wasn't meant for me
Island to myself's the most comfortable resort
Was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse
Yeah
I was homeless as a loner, now I'm living with remorse

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